One of the people in my band last week told me "I want to see you worship your heart out." I wonder why that sounded so revolutionary to me at the time. A few years ago, I didn't know there was any other way to worship than with all of your heart.
It's a challenge, being a worship leader at a large church, to focus your heart on God. When I led worship for 50 people every week, or 30, or just 10 good friends, I wasn't afraid to be transparent, to lay everything before God and my brothers and sisters. Analyzing that time, I realize that I wasn't leading worship so much as I was playing the guitar and worshipping with my friends.
At a big church, that isn't necessarily the case. Being a worship leader is much less about community, and much more about staying out of the way. I realized that from a worship leadership standpoint, I talked way too much back then. Even today, when I look out in the crowd, I look for a friend to worship with... someone who will understand where I'm coming from when I sing, so that I am unafraid to "worship my heart out". Otherwise, the stage I am standing on can seem pretty lonely.
I imagine, when you have no one to connect with, the place you are standing can seem just as lonely.
I am so self-conscious now of the things I say and do... and this is for good reason. I am learning how to be a better worship leader, how to lead without distracting. I just need to remember to be a worshipper, as well. Perhaps it is time to be open, transparent, if not with my words than with my heart. I've been taught recently to keep my eyes open when I'm worshipping, to connect with people. I think I'm realizing what that means.
C.S. Lewis says that we are looking for someone who sees the "same truth" we do, someone with whom we can say "You too!?!"
So this is my goal... to worship my heart out, with my eyes open. If our eyes meet, know you aren't alone... that we are worshipping together. I see what you see. I feel it too.
Overcoming the impossibility of amazing
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