Expect the Unexpected

Two Voices

2012-02-03T09:56:00.001-08:00

Verse 1:

Wandering through the darkness

My eyes are still used to the light

Disoriented and discontent

I wish I had an escape somewhere in sight

I hear two voices, they’re ringing out

They’re saying two different things

One says I’m dead, one I’m justified

But both still say “follow me”

Chorus:

They’re ringing

Through the night, through the sky

O they’re ringing

And it’s all I hear

I need a transformation

A renewing of my mind

So I can know

which voice is Yours

Verse 2:

One says I should have known otherwise

There’s no escape from darkness or pain

So come and live for the short release

It carries you till you hurt again

The other tells me there’s something more

And speaks of a light that I cannot see

But even if a brighter place could be found

What would I do with all the darkness in me?

Chorus:

They’re ringing

Through the night, through the sky

O they’re ringing

And it’s all I hear

I need a transformation

A renewing of my mind

So I can know

which voice is Yours

Bridge:

My heart it aches to believe the light

And leave this heavy darkness behind

With a love louder than my enemies

And a grace that I’ve been longing to find

Ending Chorus:

I need a transformation

A renewing of my mind

So I can follow

Your sweet voice

- Richard Benavides

New Endeavors

2011-07-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

There is excitement and anxiety in building something new for God. The human psyche has a torrid, hot/cold love affair with the new and the unprecedented, and the mixture of anticipation and trepidation is enough to keep us up at night. We dream of the day when we will regale a new generation of young trailblazers with stories of the sleepless nights and unsure days that led to our ultimate, unmitigated success. We are plagued by the thoughts of being another in a long list of those who have tried and failed, and cringe at the possibility of suffering as a result of our efforts.

In dealing with these conflicting emotions, we often tell ourselves (and others) to put thoughts of suffering and failure as far from our minds as possible, and reassure ourselves that we are too blessed to be stressed, too secure to fail. Our focus is on doing away with those thoughts, and fostering more of the big, beautiful dreams. We are told that everything will be amazing, and that "God has great things in store for us." This, we are told, means we are going to be wild successes, never touched by the unfortunate or unpleasant.

In reading through Philippians, I have to wonder; is this the best way to deal with the range of emotions that come with new endeavors? Paul doesn't shy away from the possibility of danger and suffering. In fact, he considers suffering to be a certainty, and more than that, a gift. For those believers paving the way in Phillippi, he offers more than the typical "everything will turn out great" response to their plight. He confronts the weight of anxiety and persecution, and tells us it is a blessing, because we share in the suffering of Christ. Not just this, but as he is writing this you can almost hear the unbridled, almost manaical joy in his tone.

He has realized that even the weight is a gift, and even the burden is a blessing to the child of God. He serves a God who takes all things, not just good things, and works them together for our good. This is the way to have an unquenchable desire for God; to desire not just the good, but even the painful, if it brings God glory. This is "foolishness" to those who don't know God in this way, but if you really get down to it... this complete trust and contentment is the only method we are given to live the Christian life.

And yet, I'll be completely honest with you. I kind of don't want to learn this lesson, because there are a whole lot of ways I could get hurt right now. I wish there was an easier way. I suppose it is time to get to know God a bit more, because there is something inherently trustworthy in Him that will make this all make sense. Or, alternatively, make me completely crazy.

Oh well, either way.

(Check out my new blog for Church Plant Worship Leaders, at www.churchplantworshipleader.com)

I Have Known Heroes.

2011-06-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

I have been privileged. I have known heroes of the faith; men whose lives challenge and enrich mine. I have been shown the way to live for God, by men who changed their towns and their world with the love of Christ.

One of these men, Van Hilliard, is an octogenarian who has lived more in his 80s than most of us have in our entire lives. He has smuggled Bibles into countries in Eastern Europe, helped start churches there, and served on Disaster Relief teams here in the states (and that's jus what I know of). This amazing man of faith fell and hit his head. He is now in a coma, and has been pulled off of life support.

I am thankful to have known him, and I know he will be completely happy to be with Christ... but selfishly, I think many of us hope and pray that Van will somehow make it through. The world needs heroes.

Google, is this your way of getting back at me?

2011-02-18T23:13:00.000-08:00

I got onto my blog today, after several crazy, no-blog days. The first thing I see is an ad in my "adsense" stuff to the right there (feel free to click on it, usually). The ad is one of those "...and I'm a mormon" ads.

Very funny, Google. Very funny indeed.

It is funny, though, how they actually have an ad campaign designed to let the world know that they're normal. Unfortunately, nothing can really explain away this...

I once heard these mormon underwear described by Mark Driscoll as "a onesy with a trapdoor".

*sorry if this offended any mormons... feel free to make fun of Christians when we do weird stuff, like, you know, wearing onesies.

Distant

2011-02-02T13:03:00.001-08:00

I have a lot of stuff going on in my head right now, literally. I am super congested and I've been sick for the past several days. When I get like this it is hard for me to think straight or talk right. It is like there is a wall between me and the world, or even me and my own thoughts. Everyone sounds far away. Everything seems... distant.

I feel like this spiritually sometimes, as well. I think this proves that sin is a sickness... it enflames what occurs naturally inside of us to make us feel distant from God and keep us from thinking straight.

That is all I've got for now. Hope this all clears up by Friday!

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Turning Good Intentions Into Great Actions

2011-01-27T16:45:00.001-08:00

I wish I could tell you how to do this, but it is honestly one of my greatest struggles. It is hard to get the feel of momentum when I do manage to get started, and I am both easily distracted and a procrastinator. I end up talking about a lot of things, but starting much less. Then I start several things, but end up continuing only a few.

Like right now, I would like to be working out, writing songs, growing the music and youth ministries at my church, working on my masters degree, doing a benefit concert with friends, learning the mandolin, reading the entire bible, and becoming a more consistent blogger. In the past, I would probably have started five of those things, and finished three. I am no longer willing to settle for that kind of result. The only problem is, I don't know exactly how to live differently.

I haven't started working out yet. I haven't played the mandolin in a while. I am on pace to finish the bible sometime next decade. The songs aren't coming, and the blog posts sometimes feel forced. I even fell behind on the concert stuff... Luckily my friends are incredible musicians!

I know that if I were to tell you I was working full time, going to Grad school, leading music and youth, and doing the benefit concert, you would probably think my life was busy. The thing is, I also spend about 10 hours a week watching TV or playing video games. I sleep too much on Saturday mornings, and every morning for that matter. I know I could do so much more.

So instead of a "how to" post, this is more of a "have you ever felt the same" or "how do you deal with this" type of post. I know so many of you are flippin amazing, raising entire families while doing enough to make me look downright lazy. How do you keep yourself moving? How do you stop yourself from staying still for too long?

The only time I want to "be still" is when I'm "knowing He is God" :-P.

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Something For Nothing

2011-01-25T16:58:00.001-08:00

In my day job, I work in an industry where the customers expect something for nothing. We work with federal money, and we get people who seem to believe that should be their primary source of income. The welfare culture has created a generation that believes in participation trophies, a generation that can't bear to call anyone below average. People expect their mere existence to be a rewardable achievement.

I am disheartened, therefore, to hear about that same mindset plaguing the church. I hear about churches with otherwise amazing people, being shuttered because of a lack of giving. Ministers with years and years of training end up working at fast food restaurants to keep their families fed. And yet, everyone bristles at the thought of being asked to give more, sometimes leaving churches because they were "all about the money."

Yet, I think this is merely an educational issue. We have been conditioned in one way of thinking. That way isn't correct.

Hear me, Texas and Arizona friends... Nothing is free. In the case of federal money, the price for the handout for some is paid by the taxes of another. There should be a gratitude there.

The situation with churches is different. The price is not going to be paid by anyone else. We are all called to sacrificial giving countless times in the Bible, and this sort of uncomfortable giving is a show of faith. Even ministers do this. In fact, they give more than you may ever know.

Nothing is free. The price for a "something for nothing" attitude in the church is nothing short of closed churches, broken hearts, and a generation of disillusioned pastors. I am annoyed to see this attitude in my day job... and brokenhearted to see it in my spiritual family.

Because of the life I've lived, chances are you know me from some sort of ministry. Wherever you are attending right now, be a cheerful giver. If you know the joy that come from faithful giving, teach others. If you don't... don't come to God with your money in a clenched fist. Have an open hand and a cheerful heart, and do something out of faith. An open hand is the only way for money, or anything else, to come into your hands. God doesn't promise to bless a clenched fist.

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To The Guy Who Puts Massive Wads Of Toilet Paper In The Toilet

2011-01-24T15:52:00.001-08:00

Nobody thinks you're cool. You arent being funny, or ironic, or rebelling against "the man." The man has a private toilet, fashioned from the bodies of underperforming sweatshop workers from overseas. Instead, you just made a mess for the janitors, and ruined the afternoons of people stuck in the same job you apparently hate.

However, I would like to meet you. In fact, I will gladly bear the burden of your friendship, and the stories of your jerkness, for simply one golden opportunity. You'll be happy that day, when I come to your house and watch an inevitably horrible show with you and your family. We will laugh, and then I will excuse myself to your restroom. You will lead me to the guest bath, but that isn't my objective. Oh no, I will move quickly to your bathroom, and your children's bathroom, and drop off payloads that require hazmat suits to approach and flush. I will cover the presents with copious amounts of toilet paper, like the Poop Santa wrapping his presents, and exit without saying goodbye.

The next day at work, you'll approach me in a state of disbelief, but in your heart you will know that you have gotten what you deserve. As a look of horrified understanding crosses your face, I will smile and laugh. It will be a beautiful moment.

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Everybody Should Listen To Me

2011-01-21T13:27:00.001-08:00

Whenever I read a story, I am asked to comment. Even status updates of long lost acquaintences demand my immediate feedback. The people on the TV screen and radio station insist that I text, call, or otherwise share my obviously important opinion. Restaurants ask that I rate them, and websites ask me how they are doing.

In short, I am very important, and everyone should listen to me.

What's that you say? You are very important too? Awesome! We can totally change the world by simply talking and sharing our opinion. Unless...

Unless everyone is getting the same message. Unless this world is giving everyone a false sense of the scope of their influence. Unless all of those comments, ratings, and opinions create nothing but a cacaphony of white noise.

But surely this isn't the case! I mean, why would the entire world perpetuate a false sense of power in all of us? It's not like we're all so easily satiated, like we all are satisfied with the illusion of progress instead of a truly changed world.

No, that can't be the case. I'd better go ahead and post this already, so that I can get back to telling the world how to turn.

I mean, what would this world do without me?

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Google is Your BFF

2011-01-20T10:44:00.001-08:00

I've recently notices that Google knows me a bit too well. It seems to know what I need, when I need it. It keeps me updated on the world around me, and is almost always interesting. Google recently even started finishing my sentences for me.

I mean, even the ads on the side of my blog are usually, though not always, something I think is awesome. It's my shopping buddy, my source for movie info, and the place where I keep some very personal matters (password protected in gmail, so it can keep a secret).

Now I like every one of these facts individually. However, I've come to a very disturbing realization...

Google is becoming my BFF.

Is this how nerdy I've become? Does Google really know more about me than my closest friends? Soon, I'm afraid, Google will expect me to reciprocate, to sit and listen to its problems, and to cover for it when it has something else to do. I think that's a lot of pressure...

Look, Google... maybe we need to slow things down.

Please stop crying, Google. It will only make this more painful.

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Time Off

2011-01-19T11:03:00.001-08:00

A little bit of time off is a good thing. The chance to decompress, to unwind from the daily grind, can be refreshing and uplifting. Some extra sleep, maybe catching up on your favorite shows or going for long walks... I could go on.

But too much time off can be destructive. I see this every day with the people I talk to. They have been laid off for so long, living off of government checks, that they just lost all drive and motivation. Their can-do attitude has been replaced with a lethargic string of excuses. It is sad, that our generation has so much talent being wasted on the couch or in dead end jobs.

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Choosing Sides

2011-01-14T12:13:00.001-08:00

We are often happy when two of our friends start dating. We are even more excited for them when they prepare for marriage. We have pictures from their wedding, and invite them to double dates and game nights, and all is right in the world.

Then it starts. You see one of them constantly dejected, or the other constantly unavailable. You see less love and more obligation. The tension between them is palpable. The effort becomes more one sided.

And then we pick sides. Inevitably, one person becomes the obvious choice, the other a pure villian. I am okay with this in certain situations. If one person gives up on a relationship, or cheats, or simply leaves, and the other person hasn't been abusive and has tried to reconcile a situation they didn't create, the answer is obvious. The villian has chosen their path.

But what do you do when the answer isn't so obvious? What do you do when both people have hurt the other, when neither has been willing to compromise? What do you do when your long time friend is the obvious villian?

Is it ever really that cut and dry?

All I know is that when I pray for my couple friends, the prayers always have a small selfish element. I don't want to have to choose sides. I like you both! Besides, Kristen and I need good double date partners for the next 50 years or so.

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Missing The Point

2011-01-12T23:15:00.001-08:00

I was reading the yahoo report about Obama's speech at the memorial service in Tucson. I had listened to the speech earlier this evening, and was impressed with his leadership in the situation. The way that he spoke to the polarized political factions who are attempting to pin the blame on their opponents was perhaps the most poignant message he could have delivered, in the midst of what could still be an explosive situation. I don't agree with everything he does, but that hopeful and triumphant tone is what was needed in this time of knee-jerk politics.

Imagine my surprise when I scroll to the bottom of the story, and the first two comments are complaining about Obama "taking advantage of the situation for a political rally" and calling for him to apologize. Another proceeded to place all of the blame for the situation on "liberals" or something. Essentially, they completely missed the point.

People, this is a democracy. We elect a leader... and we need to let him lead. Obama was there to eulogize, but also to play an inspirational role, and he did quite well. He is right about the need for civility in our political discourse... and it is sad that the only people who don't get that are the ones who need to hear it the most.

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Imagination

2011-01-11T10:48:00.001-08:00

All it takes is a little imagination to make your world more interesting. For instance, today the breakfast vendor at my office had drops of water on the tray toppers. The water on the stainless steel reminded me of the liquid metal in the Terminator movies. I imagined the droplets coming together and forming a tiny terminator. Except, this Terminator would serve you breakfast instead of ruthlessly eliminating you. It would terminate your hunger with eggs and bacon.

I don't know about you, but i would be happy if a tiny terminator gave me breakfast.

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More thoughts on aliens...

2011-01-08T00:31:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to find out i was from another planet. Would I want to stay here because it felt like home? Would everyone treat me differently? Would I have super powers? Would Sheriff Joe still try to deport me?

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Angry Corporate Bear #3

2010-11-05T22:40:00.000-07:00

Angry Corporate Bear #2

2010-11-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

A.C. Bear - Day 1

2010-11-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

I was told today that I should write a children's book, so that all of my creativity didn't go to waste. I took that idea, and this is what I came up with. This will be the first of many :).

Even When You Don't Want To

2010-10-28T12:54:00.001-07:00

Trendy

2010-10-22T20:54:00.001-07:00

Band of Brothers

2010-10-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

I used to hate when people used war rhetoric to speak about Christianity. Now I realize how important it is for us to acknowledge the "spiritual warfare" around us.

When you are serving God together, you are attacked spiritually. You get drained, and tired, and you need those around you to strengthen you when you get weak. When someone mentally and spiritually checks out of church leadership, it is devistating to everyone who served with them.

I think of Band of Brothers when I talk about this. I imagine being in a foxhole, much like the Bastogne foxholes, knowing that the enemy isn't going to let up, knowing that there is still a long fight ahead. I am already tired and trying to fight the fear inside of me, when I look beside me...

... and see one soldier stabbing my leg and throwing my food away, and another saying "I have to leave now," dropping his gun, and walking away. I ask him what the heck is going on, and he coldly says "it's personal."

When you commit to be a part of a family of believers, a "Band of Brothers," you forfeit the right to hold anything back. This IS warfare, and the danger from the enemy is real. Being in our clean, over-sterilized world has made this harder to comprehend, and this is why the church is failing to gain traction. Too many soldiers in the Lord's American Army are too busy looking out for themselves to be of any use against the enemy. They are more liable to point their guns at their fellow soldiers than at the enemy. When the battle gets tough, they either make it tougher, or simply walk away.

The saddest thing is, by walking away or making the battle tougher, they just bring more pain upon themselves, and those who dared to consider them brothers.

My Job (as seen by aliens)

2010-08-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

I think if aliens were to attempt to study human interaction, one idea they may have is to tap into a call center for the university I work for. If they did, they would hear us refer to people with endless excuses, lies, mindless ringtones, and stories that are only believable to those with an IQ that would make a good golf score as "students". After hearing this for roughly 46 minutes, they would conclude that there was nothing of intellectual value on our planet, and either ignore us, avoid us, or destroy us.

Scars

2010-05-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

I work in a pretty big office, and I've got a couple of really good work friends. They all know I am getting married, and they've been joking and commenting about it for a while now. One of them told me there would be times, at stoplights, when I'd seriously contemplate jumping out of the car and running away. A few others enjoy calling my fiancee "my first wife" or "future ex-wife".

I have other friends as well, friends I've met throughout my time here in AZ. They are different than the friends I made in Texas, and different from your typical church friends. They wish me luck and try to offer advice, but when I talk about wanting to do it right, they never can quite offer their complete confidence... because of where they've been before.

It is pretty discouraging, getting so much negativity at work. Still, the friends outside of work are the ones who show me what is ultimately going on. They believe just like I do, and want what is best for me, but they know what could be lurking on the other side. They are scarred from their own experiences with marriage, and it has made believing in the institution that much more difficult. Many of my friends at work have not had Christ's healing in their lives, and so the wounds are still fresh. Every time I'm talking optimistically about marriage, those fresh wounds throb and they can't help but sneer. How could I know what lies ahead?

These wounds and scars... they run deep in our society now. In the church and outside of the church, people have been hurt and burned by those they were supposed to be with forever. When you step out into marriage, it's almost like "I've seen the one's who fell before me, and they were stronger than me." I wonder, sometimes, why I still have this confidence, or how I will ever get past my own scars, being the product of a fatherless home.

This is a time when all of those songs and stories finally make sense. There is a powerful confidence, a peace and strength, that come from knowing the Savior, and I will count on this strength and grace as I enter marriage, knowing He is watching over me even as the wounded stagger around me. I know this is bringing glory to Him, because in a way, I was wounded too. I've seen firsthand the devastation caused by a marriage falling apart... three times. My first waking memory is of my father telling me I couldn't see him anymore.

I wonder if, as me and my new wife go boldly forward, those around us will see my scars and find hope?

There is a difference, though, between wounds and scars. There is hope in scars, hope that lies in the healing that has taken place. In a wound, there is only pain. I thank God for turning my wounds into scars, for turning my pain into simple reminders of where I've been. It gives me hope for where we're going.

The Inevitable Connection Between Lost and The Church

2010-05-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

You knew someone was going to do it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not the first. However, I am not going to tell you that there are spiritual themes from Lost that can be extracted, distilled, and poured out into our lives (although some may make that claim, and they may be right). I am not going to tell you that good and evil on this earth are almost always as unclear as the plot of Lost seemed to be, because I wouldn't know.

In fact, let me start out by saying that I am no expert on Lost. In fact, the only reason this post exists is because I only watched two episodes before the finale, and then caught up with the recap before the finale. I then watched the finale, with a surface level knowledge of the plotlines and characters, and felt like I understood what was going on. In fact, when the finale ended without the powerful conclusion I expected from such a beloved show, I was okay with it, because I had been entertained for two hours.

My fiancee, on the other hand, was pretty upset about the ending. Her and her sister talked about this character and that character, and what had happened seasons ago, as if they were talking about old friends. They had been personally invested in the show, having watched the show for six seasons, and when the ending fell short of their expectations, it affected them. It meant a lot more to them than it did to me, because I was simply an outsider who had come in to be entertained.

A great show creates a fan base of insiders, who connect with the characters and the storylines. These insiders know the lingo, and know the meaning behind a certain move or action within the show. They are personally invested in the show, and when the show fails in some way, they are affected.

An outsider, on the other hand, is simply tuning in for some light entertainment. In fact, an outsider may be intimidated by the depth of the show he has found himself in. When the entertainment is done, the outsider leaves, and most likely isn't affected by whatever it was he just watched (he may have even been switching between the show and ESPN).

Here, I believe, is the correlation between Lost and The Church. Built within the structure of the church is a natural Insider/Outsider dynamic. A successful church builds a group of Insiders, whose goal then (hopefully) becomes bringing more people into the group. It is a self-replicating structure when it works, and often it works quite well.

However, there always comes a point where the Insiders become too immersed in their lingo and storylines and characters, making it hard for Outsiders to join. We hand them the Bible like a box set of DVD's, and tell them to study up. Or maybe we simply talk about those storylines and characters within our church, and when an Outsider asks a question about what we are talking about, we simply brush them off, sure they would never understand.

To see a TV show create a devoted following, personally invested in its plotline and characters, is amazing. To see a Church do so is beautiful and encouraging. However, how do we reach both the Insider and the Outsider? If you make things too simple, some of your Insiders will leave. If you make them too complex, the Outsiders will be intimidated and unwelcome. It is important, and exceedingly difficult, to find the answer, as a Church, that fits your community and allows you to grow.

The only way to make this easier, then, is to make it the mission of the Insiders to bring in those Outsiders, but this doesn't come naturally. We all love to be the keeper and giver of a secret. We all strive to be Insiders, often times at the expense of others. It seems that we are almost afraid; afraid that if we let too many Outsiders in, there may not be room for us.

Regarding the finale... I feel like the ending to Lost may have erred on the side of accessibility. It was the finale of an intricate story, woven from so many smaller stories. I should not have been able to come in and understand what was going on because of a crash course an hour before. The fact that I could, and that the ending was too easy and cliche ("it was all a dream/test/purgatory you had to go through before getting to heaven/afterlife/reincarnation"), was a disservice to those who had spent years trying to piece everything together. Thoughts?

My First Mac

2010-05-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

I've been working with Macs since I was in grade school. I remember playing Oregon Trail and Sim City on PowerPC's, learning to type on the original monochrome Mac, and later on creating movies using animation programs and playing Starcraft and Unreal Tournament on the colored iMacs and G3 towers. Recently I've created digital music, used presentation software, and edited video using MacBook, MacBook Pro, and the new desktop Macs with the huge screens. To me, using a Mac is as normal as breathing.

That being said, I have a confession to make... I've never owned anything Mac. Ever. No iPods, no iPhones, no MacMini... nothing. I have always felt like quite the imposter, raving about how much better Macs are, while never being part of the club.

That has now changed, thanks to my soon-to-be father-in-law. He is pretty much a technical genius, and he scours Craigslist looking to pick off the weaker Mac owners like a sea bird on a baby turtle. He gets the coolest old Macs, and now he's bestowed one of those upon his daughter and I.

It's a G4, which is an older model, about two generations before the macbooks and such. That being said, this is one of the best G4's out there, although it's known for being loud (called "Windtunnel G4"). This computer is actually older than my PC, but it just looks so much cooler. I don't know how Mac has done that, constantly being cooler than everyone and everything else. It's crazy. I am pretty jazzed about joining the Mac world, even if it is with an older machine. Here's to no longer being a poser!

I was actually going to go into the whole "one man's trash..." bit and tie it to the way God can use us and love us even when we feel like we're too used and too useless, but I'm too sleepy, and I told myself I'd go to sleep after I set this computer up (we have it where the PC used to be... the PC is in front being used to watch Hulu on the living room TV), so good night!

Strays

2010-05-12T23:48:00.000-07:00

Where I'm from, there were stray dogs everywhere. If you saw one that was particularly cute, or if you just wanted to have a pet, they would simply start coming as you left food for them. They were grateful and loving, but they each had their own issues. Each of them had been through pain, through abandonment or abuse. They would shrink back from, or bark angrily at, a certain type of person. They always seemed to carry that bit of suspicion with them, like a wound that would never quite heal.

To love a stray was to love an imperfect creature, a creature who may one day make a mess somewhere you didn't expect, who may carry the fear or anger of a past attack or abandonment for years. My grandmother wasn't very good at this. Dogs would suddenly be gone from our house, simply because they had ripped up a plant or barked at a cousin. Grandmother would allow these dogs to live within her gates because they were free, and because the pleasure she got out of them was worth the scraps of food she gave them.

God, thankfully, is not like my grandmother. The Bible shows us a God who prepares a feast for us, even when we don't even deserve His scraps. The Word reveals a Savior who will never turn his back on us or give up on us. We are shown a God who loves us despite the messes we make and the anger and fear that shapes our actions, indeed a God whose very love is the antidote for whatever aims to harm us.

This is the most beautiful news that a world full of Strays could hear. There is a God who will love us unconditionally, who prepares for us a feast and a new, beautiful life. All of the fear inside of us, from the pain and crushing heartbreak we've been through, is healed by Perfect Love. All of the anger that makes us lash out... this is the most beautiful part, because we have a God who holds us through our darkest night, with our teeth biting at air and biting at Him, our paws straining to escape what will surely be more pain...

I know this because I'm a stray. I still need a God who will hold me through my dark night, who will love me even though I just barked at his kid and pooped in his grass.

This one is for the strays.

Magic 8-Ball God

2010-05-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

I've noticed many of my prayers start out as "yes" or "no" questions. If I am only praying for a little while, I'll pray really hard for a yes or no, then I'll go on about my day assuming whatever answer makes more sense to me. I may also consider a song on the radio, or a random conversation, to be the very voice of God.

Yet, when I really let myself speak to God, and when I lay my heart and soul to bear, I realize that there is something much more to my prayers than a "yes" or "no". I realize that there is a relationship I've been missing out on, one where I can laugh and cry with the Creator, and realize that He is listening. Answers to prayers come in their own time, but the answers are rarely the point.

It is during these times that I realize just how much we treat God like those "Magic 8-Ball" toys. We ask him a question, and do whatever it is we think is necessary for him to answer. Then, the first thing we see or hear must be the answer to our question.

We're adults. We realize that we can't base our lives on a children's toy. Aren't we setting ourselves up for failure and pain when we treat God like this?

2010-05-08T00:35:00.001-07:00

I long for Your presence
both fearful and lovely
Brighter than the dawn
louder than the oceans
Your voice is sweet music,
a song I have missed
and Your words are
the cure for my pain
the answers to my questions
the comfort in the chaos...

I ache for Your song
to be heard on my lips
I yearn for Your will
to be done through my hands

I cry out for help
and I pray that You hear me.
I can't do this on my own.

Magic Vs. Mundane (a best-of-7 series)

2010-05-06T00:14:00.000-07:00

We are kept alive by the pursuit of adventure.

I struggle with the balance between adventure and responsibility. I worry constantly, that I am either being too responsible and not taking the risks I should, or that I am being too adventurous and putting myself in unnecessary situations. I remember moving out here to Arizona, I had a constant conflict for the first few months, about whether I was being responsible coming all the way out here for only an internship. I remember feeling so alone those first few weeks, and wishing I'd stayed in Dallas with an apartment full of friends. Yet, when I was in Texas, I longed for the day when I'd be doing something great in some strange place.

Now I am on a bigger adventure, about to start my life with the woman I was made for. I wonder how we will find the balance between the magic and mundane. I wonder how I will fare as a leader, being so prone to moving and leaving, so used to a life in flux. I wonder how I will provide stability for my family, when all I've known is seismic shifts and periodic eruptions. The desire of my heart is to be a responsible, dependable husband and father, but I worry that I will forget what adventure means, and what a daring life feels like.

There is worry in adventure, and that leads me to believe that perhaps this will be the biggest adventure of all.

23 days.

Drama is Stupid

2010-04-20T00:08:00.000-07:00

This is my very scientific deduction, after observing different forms of drama for about 26 years. I think most of us know that drama is stupid. I think that, sometimes, even those who love and live for drama must acknowledge how stupid drama is.

There are many ways to excuse your propensity for drama, many socially acceptable disguises for the fact that you either can't or refuse to control your emotions. "I'm passionate" they might say... but I've known very nice passionate people in my life. The only thing dramatic people are passionate about is obtaining and keeping attention on them. "I wear my heart on my sleeve" is another one... but if that is your heart, perhaps it is better to keep it hidden.

I've heard countless stories, and been witness to several epic displays of dramatic selfishness. The person who refuses to let the wedding day be about the bride and groom... the "friend" who tries to get people to go out with her because she is bored, instead of celebrating a milestone with someone else... that person who seems one wrong word from losing control at any moment... the person everyone is counting on, suddenly deciding that they are going to become cold and selfish and undependable.

Stupid, Stupid, and Incredibly Stupid. There is no excuse for the selfishness that is inherent in dramatic actions. Drama, by it's very nature, is a cry for attention. No person deserves unmerited attention at the expense of others, but some just don't get that. I am sure there is some sort of deep-seated emotional issue driving each of those actions, but I still bristle at the thought of even acknowledging this possibility because of the attention these selfish people may derive from it. I'd rather just stick to the surface level, and call Stupid when I see it.

I suppose I'm very frustrated with the drama I see in my life, the drama that hurts those I know and love. I wonder how much more joy could have been had in each moment, were those instances of selfishness replaced with selfless love and support. I've always loved those people who refused to let drama get into their life, those who know how to be selfless and loving... those who look at dramatic people, shake their head sadly, and move on with their lives.

If you are one of those selfless people, there is probably a reason you are my friend. If you are a drama queen, or whatever the male counterpart of that is... you probably don't want to hang out with me any time soon, because I'll probably call you out, no matter where we are.

And knowing you, that will probably just cause more drama. :-P

Communication

2010-04-13T01:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish that my body would tell my brain how tired it is, so I could get some sleep.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't ashamed to tear up at movies and TV shows.
Sometimes I wish I knew where a money tree was.
Sometimes I wish I was a pilot with an awesome plane that I could take anywhere.
Sometimes I draw airplanes at work. I'm 26.
Sometimes I make up games to pass the time at work. I'm 26.
Sometimes I wish I was the person my mom thinks I am.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and live life more awesomely.
Sometimes I wish I was already a father.
Sometimes I wish my car was a Transformer, so that in traffic, I could press a button and have my transformer start running down the expressway. It's probably a good thing I'm not a father yet.
Sometimes I wish I knew the difference between "fine" and "fine". Since I've gotten engaged, this has become a more pressing wish.
Sometimes I wish I knew when to be quiet.
Sometimes I wish I knew when to speak up.
Right now, I wish I could fall asleep. I'll probably go try again.

Be Where You Are

2010-03-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

I recently came across the blog of a random acquaintance, who was spending some time in Dallas, a beautiful city I lived in for two months.

Now, when I was there I had a lot on my mind. I had just graduated college, and moved up there to work and/or attend seminary. I was actually working at Starbucks, and had signed up for seminary classes before I ended up out in Arizona.

I had a lot of friends back in college, and having been there six years, I always knew someone and had somewhere to go. That wasn't the case in Dallas. I tried to get to know people, but it was hard, and I spent a lot of time in the apartment watching Hulu and playing guitar. It was only in the second month that I began to feel more at home, and then...

Well, then the news came, that I was going to be leaving, and for the next two weeks I got closer to my new friends and explored my temporary home city. It was then that I lived, that I was actually LIVING IN DALLAS and not simply sleeping over. We went to concerts and diners and coffee shops, went on random drives to random places, met people at a bunch of singles groups (Dallas is supposed to be the most awesome place for young single people, and I was one), and generally had a great time. I wish I had lived that way for the entire two months.

I think there are a lot of times that change is the norm, that we all have transient seasons. Mine found me in a two bedroom apartment with four other guys, sleeping on a bottom bunk and waking up at 3AM to make coffee for a bunch of rich people. It isn't a life I miss, but it is a life I wish I'd lived better.

Wherever you are, be there. Whether it be somewhere you've always wanted to be, or somewhere you never thought you'd end up, be where you are. Find the things that people miss when they leave, and the people you'll tell stories about 10 years from now.

And while we're on the subject, what's awesome about the East Valley that I haven't seen yet?

Nostalgia doesn't make any sense

2010-03-25T23:51:00.000-07:00

It's not this systematic progression of important things that you end up missing. It's the random crap that you never would have thought twice about back in "the day", whenever that was for you.

I remember back in college, when the Baptist Student Ministry was pretty much a bunch of guys and my friend Sunday (a girl), and then a rotating cast of guests. One of my friends was named Jonathan, but somehow he got the name "Jonatello", and then it was shortened to just "Tello". He was 26, the age I am now, and when he would hang out with us, he would be hilarious in this semi-creepy way. We began calling him "Creepy Uncle Tello"... I forget the exact moment, but it always made me chuckle.

Now, whenever I hear the word "Uncle" or the name "Jonathan", I think of Creepy Uncle Tello, and smile.

I can think of a thousand more important, more memorable things to be nostalgic. Yet, it's the stupid stuff I remember most, like the way my friend Steve would refer to flirting with a girl as "reaching out", and how we still refer to each other as "Mr. Reach Out" or "The King of Reaching Out", even though back in college we were pretty much perpetually single (I think we each had girlfriends for a couple of months at some point during my time in college, maybe).

Or even the memory of waking up at my friend's apartment with a cat in my face, or the time we put a temporary tramp stamp on another friend of mine at their apartment. Or all the times I'd have foam noodle wars with the youth group I led, and destroy them even though it was 4 or 5 on 1.

I feel like I did more important stuff, like this stuff shouldn't be what sticks in my memory. I played music in front of thousands of people, and saw kids give their lives to Christ, and graduated College, and did a bunch of other important stuff that should stick in my head. I wish I could remember that other important stuff, but I can't. I'm too busy remembering the time a little girl named Heather sat on me, and the other kids there asked me how that made me feel, and I told them it made me feel "a little under the Heather".

Nostalgia doesn't make any sense. That joke was freakin perfect though, you should have been there.

Shiny

2010-03-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

This world tries to tell you there is, that there is something beautiful and right about being perpetually adventurous and reckless. There is a strange social pressure to never settle down, to never grow up, as if the dreams of adulthood could never match the dreams of children.

The world is wrong. The world wouldn’t exist without the grown-up dreams of those who came before. The world is in the poor state it is in because of the childish actions of the past and present generations. There is something to be said for maturity, responsibility, and following through on our actions.

I see so many people waiting for something to be handed to them. I talk to them every day at my job, and as I hear their voices, they sound like children who have been disappointed by their wish not coming true, children who are still holding out hope that a shiny new toy is waiting in shiny wrapping paper on the other side of the door. I made fun of them when the only one of “them” I knew was my older stepbrother, who still can’t hold down a job and is probably still expecting that call from Disney’s graphic design office, because they once sent him a shiny pamphlet.

We try to hide it, but most of us are still waiting for that shiny pamphlet that will lead us to prosperity and happiness (ever wonder why credit card offers are printed on such shiny paper?). We have the world at our fingertips, and we are provided with everything we need to change our lives, but we are still trying to “figure things out” before we start to move in any direction. I talk to potential college students all day, providing a way to get a college education while still living their “busy” lives, and providing all of the information they could possibly need online, through our website and government websites. Yet, the biggest copout I hear is “Can you just send me some information? Is there something written down that I can look at?”

Is there a shiny piece of paper that I can hold in my hands, look at for hours, and pretend that I’m doing something meaningful?

The generations before us knew what they wanted. They didn’t have so many options, so the choice was a bit more simple, but there was still a choice to be made. There were six women their age in town, and they chose one to court and to marry. There were three job choices (family trade, military, or clergy), and they chose the one that made the most sense. If there was an opportunity for more education, they took it gratefully.

Now, we have 100 choices, and we can’t make one. We are taught that the world exists for our benefit, and we are still operating under that assumption. We never reach our dreams, because we never dream grown-up dreams. We dream of saving the world, but we don’t dream of becoming a policeman or a pastor, for the most part. Thankfully, the world I speak of is mostly confined to the insular western world.

Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t more hope for the Third World than for us.

Fix Me

2010-03-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

You ever notice that the hardest person to fix is yourself?

There are these inner battles that you seem to fight endlessly, against that part of you that just can't change, or can't trust, or can't love, or can't help breaking under pressure. No matter how hard you fight, you just can't help screwing things up in the same old way. You begin to wonder if there is any hope at all, or if you are simply irreparably broken, with no hope of being made whole.

This is the reality of life in a fallen world; life as a broken and dirty person, in a land of broken and dirty people. We are inspired by change, because we know there is something inside of us that needs change more than anything. We are inspired by revolution, because we know the tyranny that rules our daily lives. We cry out for something to make us whole, to make us new and take our pain.

It sounds trite to throw the God card in this situation, but how else do you explain this universal deficiency in our souls? We are broken and fallen people, in need of redemption and a healing love that can ultimately only come from something bigger and more perfect than ourselves.

I use these big words and abstract thoughts to universalize what is going on in my own heart right now, because sometimes we just need to know that we aren't alone, that we aren't the only broken ones out there.

This one's for all the broken people out there... we have a hope. He is risen, indeed.

P.S. This is the only version of the song I could embed from YouTube, so don't look at the lyrics... they are horribly misspelled :-P.

Squishy

2010-03-12T00:00:00.001-08:00

I've been trying to find a way to describe my life right now. I mean, when you look at the big picture, I have a lot going for me. I am marrying the love of my life, working at a steady job, leading worship at a cool little church, and there is a lot of opportunity in my future. There doesn't seem to be any reason for me to be unable to sleep at night. There isn't anything obviously wrong, for my mind to be racing the way it is. I'm making my way down the path I feel God has called me to, and that should be enough for me.

But the ground is squishy, like jell-o. One false step, and... stuck.

It's like I don't know what the next step holds. I am trying to be this grown-up, to not make silly mistakes and not look completely lost, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes the ground beneath my feet is enough to hold me up, but other times, I fall. I don't necessarily fall on my face, but I lose momentum and I feel like a loser.

It's like my failures aren't enough to make me fall, just enough to make me doubt. I've had a lot of these little failures lately, at my job and with the new apartment and a bunch of other areas. I'm not doing horrible, I'm just not doing as well as I had planned. I'm not a complete failure... but I'm not the expert I thought I'd be, either.

That's what these first steps into married, corporate, grown-up life feel like. It's like the first 25 years were training, but reality isn't quite as simple as it seemed before (when I was simply training for it). I am thankful for what I did learn, and thankful for what I am successful at, but still...

I thought I'd do better than this. I thought I'd be strong, sure, and solid.

Squishy was never part of the equation. It's hard to sleep when your life is squishy.

I've Had Enough

2010-03-03T17:14:00.001-08:00

I've had enough to break me in two
To tear me apart, what am I to do
What else can I do?
So sing me a song, and let me hum along
at the top of my lungs, while I come undone.
What else can I do?
What can I do?

-David Crowder Band

It's amazing how life can so easily stress you out. I never thought I could get tired of people, but I'm getting pretty close. There is so much going on, and nothing ever works out the way you expect it. And what's funny is, there isn't anything huge to point out and say "THERE! That's why I'm stressed out! That's what has my stomache in knots!"

No... it's just a cacaphony of little noises, a collage of tiny bits of chaos, that combine to overcome me for the moment.

For the moment. That's the key. The key is to remember that every trouble is light and momentary, and even when we have no words, we can still hum a tune of triumph. What else can we do, but remember that life has it's ups and downs, and we are simply strangers in a strange land?

The Theme Song for those rejected by the Almighty

2010-02-28T20:38:00.000-08:00

I knew this would happen one day...

Jesus Stole My Girlfriend

By: Violent Soho

Every day every afternoon
tried so hard but lost to God.

This time next year I´ll be married
this time next year I´ll say sorry
but Jesus stole my girlfriend.

I thought you´re my friend. I´ll guess again
I look to the clouds God gives me a frown.

This time next year I´ll be married
this time next year I´ll say sorry
but Jesus stole my girlfriend.

Try to talk to me again.
I´ll never even sing or do anything.

Jesus stole my girlfriend.

The band Violent Soho has written a song about the experience far too many have had. I posted this blog about a year ago about the phenomenon of young Christians invoking the authority of God in their relational decisions. Needless to say, it is at best misguided, and at worst irrevocably harmful, to use Jesus as a cop-out when you don't want to go out with someone, and especially a non-believer.

The decision not to date someone based on spiritual differences is a perfectly viable one, as this is one of the most important factors in determining your significant other. However, if you come to this decision, you should have the guts to convey this decision as one that has come from you, because ultimately it is your choice. Jesus Christ is most likely not going to come to you in a dream or a tortilla to guide your relational decisions. Even if He did, it is not your place to bring the infinite wisdom of the divine rejection from on high, to the unsuspecting ears of your would-be suitor.

So if you are still single out there, I beg you to have respect for God and the guy/girl you are rejecting. Have the guts to reject them yourself. It isn't Jesus' job to keep weird-looking people from liking you.

P.S. I'm glad God didn't tell Kristen I wasn't "The One" :)

2010-02-23T23:32:00.001-08:00

I've been singing about my love for God for eight years. I feel like Kristen, my fiance?, is God's way of saying "I love you too."

You'll Understand When You're Older

2010-02-19T23:56:00.000-08:00

You know those moments where you are listening to a song, or reading a book, or watching a movie, and something clicks inside of you? Those moments when, suddenly, you realize that you completely understand what they are trying to say?

I used to hear "You'll understand someday" a lot, because there were things I hadn't experienced yet. I had never been far from home with no expected long-term return (an hour isn't far). I had never been in love (real, messy, beautiful love). I had never considered marriage in any concrete terms, only in theoretical.

Lately, I've been having a lot of those moments. Apparently this is "someday" for me. I am halfway across the country from my family, in love and engaged. I never would have guessed this would affect the way art spoke to me, and the way God speaks to me. The depth of this new beauty is amazing, alarming, and quite unexpected.

Do you get what I'm saying? I feel like some of you will totally relate to this, but if you don't...

I'm sure you'll understand when you're older.

Settle for the Best

2010-02-08T01:05:00.000-08:00

It is easy to make a decision. It is hard to follow through on the decisions we make, especially these days, when we can literally type in a few letters and see what could have been.

I rarely hear people speak fondly of blinders. We want to believe we are limitless, although our existence proves otherwise. What could happen, though, if we embraced our limits? What more could we do if we realized what we DON'T have time for? How much time do we waste on what might have been, at the expense of what is?

What if, for just a little while, we put proverbial blinders on, and made the absolute best of what was in front of us? I'm not saying to settle for less than the best... just that eventually, you will have found the best. Here's hoping you have the good sense to settle for the best.

Make Me A Sandwich

2010-02-01T12:57:00.000-08:00

People like being in charge. We love to know that we are better, or more influencial, than those around us. We want people to listen to us, for our voice to be heard and taken seriously. We'd like to believe that we can affect change, and mold the world around us into our idea of a better place, but that's not necessarily our motivation.

Most of us would rather be able to say "Make me a sandwich!" and have a sandwich in our hands within a minute. We are selfish like that.

But God's idea of leadership isn't like that. God doesn't want us to use our leadership for our own gain. He doesn't call us to the pride that says we are better than others, or the selfishness that tells others how to serve us. He calls us instead to the love that seeks to serve others, knowing that our authority comes from God. If you want to be a leader, you can't cater to your insecurities by needlessly asserting your selfish will on others. If you want to be a Godly leader, you need to be secure enough in your leadership to spend your time serving others, even when it comes to making decisions.

Of course , I'm here to help you start living this life. You can start by deciding to make me a sandwich.

Average Joe

2010-01-29T23:17:00.000-08:00

So, I am now where I never imagined myself. I get up monday through friday, and most of those days I put on clothes defined as "business casual". I fight traffic to get to work by 9AM, hopefully with some time to get some coffee from the break room. I then spend hours sitting at a desk doing something I can tolerate, something I occasionally love and more frequently loathe. By Friday I can't wait to just leave it all for the weekend, and the impending freedom creates a restlessness throughout our cubicled ecosystem. Now, it's the weekend, and tomorrow I will sleep in a bit before going and getting wedding registry stuff done with my beautiful fiancee.

In a nutshell, I've become average.

I am no longer a worship leader by trade... but I am still a worship leader (yay DHC!).
I am no longer a church employee... but I am still a leader.
I am no longer a student, no longer a leader of my own band, no longer a youth leader, and no longer single.
My life has changed, and it is good.

I am still creative. I am still talented, still personable, and I can still make people laugh. Who I am on the inside has only changed a little, just enough to shift my focus toward my upcoming marriage and the life changes that will entail.

As I sit there in my little metal box, waiting at that red light with the hundreds and thousands and millions, I am still me. I am still unique...

... and so is everyone else.

Before my days at Central, I used to use these blogs to put into words what my life had been teaching me. I was much more of an open book, and I miss that a little bit. I understand where they were coming from, in teaching me to be careful what I put out there, and certainly I will never again wax poetic on the specifics of my relationship or the contents of my breakfast. But I miss you being able to understand what I was going through, simply through a well-turned phrase. I miss letting you know that you aren't alone.

I want to be more balanced, more consistent... I suppose, more average.

2010-01-25T17:16:00.001-08:00

It is said that silence is golden, but really it's just the shiny object that distracts from what really matters. Nothing can be solved through silence, and nothing can be brought to light. Silence is at best a mistake and at worst an attack.

Don't Slow Down

2010-01-24T00:18:00.000-08:00

It gets scary sometimes. Life is a fast ride, and just when you think things are chilling out for a bit, you bank hard to the left and go screaming down a path you've never seen before. It's fun and exciting and invigorating and scary... but above all, it's necessary.

We live in an age where the world is at our fingertips. In a few keystrokes, I could apply for jobs across the country or across the globe. A few more and I could be talking to my friends in Texas, or my friends in India. We have opportunities our parents and grandparents never had, and those opportunities come with a purpose.

I'm not saying you will know that purpose, now or ever. I am simply saying that it exists. There is a reason your life is going faster and faster, and there is a reason you always seem to be able to take more than you thought you could. You were made for this world, and you were created for speed.

I know the speed is scary, but slowing down is a much more dangerous option. There is beauty in the almost reckless pace of our lives, and we'll never see it if we are constantly trying to find the brake pedal.

Over-Spiritualizing Flaws

2010-01-13T11:21:00.001-08:00

Being around 20-something Christians intent on "finding themselves" and seeking contentment, I've noticed something interesting. It usually sounds something like:

"This is just the way I am, and I have to embrace it."

"Sometimes following God means doing what the world considers as crazy."

"I just have to be honest..."

It's cool that people are figuring out who they are, and at times we do have to embrace something about ourselves, or we do have to do something crazy for God, or there is an importance in honesty and transparency. There are times when all of these things are good, when I commend the people saying these things.

However, sometimes people are messed up, in ways they can change and work on, and they end up embracing that which they indeed can change. If you are too loud, or too rash and emotional, or too physical, or too mean... those aren't traits that you just have to live with. I'm too loud, but I've calmed down. I love physical contact, but I don't hug everyone I meet anymore. You can't use these flaws as a crutch. You need to change.

Sometimes, people aren't being crazy for Christ... they're just crazy. It's not okay. You need to get help, and work on being more sane. The world doesn't have to cater to your whims in the name of Christ. He doesn't play by your rules.

And finally... maybe, just maybe, you don't have to share what's on your mind and heart at all times. Maybe there is value to levels of intimacy, and maybe "being all things to all people so that some might be saved" means respecting people's boundaries. Honesty is great when there is intimacy, but the internet and 1000 facebook friends don't want to be intimate with you. That false sense of intimacy can lead to problems, when you realize that there is no depth to your intimate relationships.

Don't over-spiritualize your flaws. Work, try to fix them. It's important for you to not simply accept everything about yourself. I myself need to lose some weight and be more punctual. What do you need to do?

You probably shouldn't tell me, it might be too personal :-P.

One Last Time

2009-12-26T18:44:00.001-08:00

So my time at Central ends this Sunday, and I get to lead worship one last time in Campo Verde tomorrow at 11AM. You should come out and worship God with me one more time :).

My life now isn't the way I would have pictured it fifteen months ago. I thought I would have everything figured out, that I would be headed off to some amazing full-time ministry. Still, I wouldn't trade what I have now for the world.

I met my amazing fiance here, as well as some amazing friends and life lessons I never knew I needed. I now have a full time job and a place to lead worship (desert haven church@ 10:30AM), and I get to still be near my new friends and my fiance. I am getting married in five months, and that is pretty awesome. I love my life, and I love what God has done for me.

So I'm not bitter or angry or sad about leaving. I'm pretty excited about leading one last time for Third Format, and I suppose if there is one hope I have for the future, it is that the friendships I've made at Central would prove to transcend church attendance or distance. I hope that, more often than not, the friendships I've made here are the kind that last for decades.

One more time, come worship God with me tomorrow morning @ 11AM in Campo Verde! It'll be great... and I'd love to see all of you.

Friendship

2009-12-19T00:55:00.001-08:00

Two people can do the exact same thing, for two completely different reasons. People are funny like that. Sometimes it's a funny "haha" way, but sometimes it's a funny "sad" way.

Take friendships, for example. I am at an age where I have an equal amount of friends in college and in "the real world" (whatever that means). What I have learned in my post-collegiate days is just how much we take friendships for granted in school, even in college. A precious few friendship make it out of college, and survive distance and divergent paths. Those friendships are based on selfless love of a person... but most friendships in college seem to be the less-selfless love of a person's presence.

There is a subtle but important difference. The more mature friendships grow from genuine connection, from bonds that aren't as much necessitated by school year and class structure. These are the friendships where the friends become like family, and I have been blessed to have quite a few of them throughout the years. The less mature friendships grow from the stimulus provided by some quality in the friend's presence, something about being with them that is pleasurable to you. Certainly there can be an element of this stimulus in those more mature friendships, and these friendships can mature into genuine connections. The key factor in determining one from the other is this:

When you are in a less mature friendship, you are an option. When you are in a mature, genuine relationship, you are like family and made a priority.

The funny "haha" in this whole thing is in the ever-changing status of this circle of friends... the desire for this kind of friendship can cause people to do stupid things en masse, and this is hilarious. The "sad" part of this, however, is that we all yearn for the more mature friendships on some deeper level, but too often we are surprised to find that we are an option and not a priority.

I think the key to dealing with this is to know and expect both types of friendship. I'll befriend, talk to, and even invite out friends who consider me an option, because when they say know it's pretty much expected, and when they say yes it could be a pretty fun time. I'll spend my time with them, but I won't make them a priority. I will make time and focus more on those maturing relationships, because those are the ones that will follow us wherever we go.

Sometimes I feel a bit judgmental for lumping my friendships into these categories, but time and time again my judgments are verified and my heart is guarded from the sophomoric ache of unrequited platonic devotion (a one sided friendship).

See, two friends will come and hang out with me over these next few days. Some of them will walk in, see what fun they can have, or what mutual interest they can serve. They will leave when things feel slow or they feel bored. They are welcomed, be it at a meal, a concert, or simply hanging out after church. There is nothing wrong with that kind of friendship.

The other friend, however, will be there because I am there, because they love me and I love them. I welcome the first friend, but I treasure the second.

I'm 26 today.

I Don't Care

2009-11-30T16:18:00.000-08:00

When you are deeply involved in the ministry, you are almost constantly inundated with stories of "church gone wrong". We sing many songs that originated at Hillsong in Australia, and many other songs that are the products of "the industry", songs that have that "Nashville" sound. It seems that at least a few times every year, I hear another "concerned" person trying to convince me that Hillsong or Nashville only cares about the money.

I think I've finally come to my conclusion on this whole matter. I think I have an answer now, when people ask me how I can sing this song, or quote that preacher, or talk favorably about another ministry. It isn't the answer you'd expect, unless you read the title of this post.

You see, what I'm trying to say is, I DON'T CARE!

I don't care what you heard about how rude Nashville people can be, or how their motives are all wrong, or anything else. I don't care what happened with the Hillsong Church, how much money they make on their music, or how shallow their preaching is. For now, I am done with the big picture.

I have one concern when it comes to corporate worship music, and that is the people that God has given me to lead in worship. If a song reaches them where they are at, or inspires them to reach out to others, it was probably written by someone who has that same heart. Even if it wasn't, it is still good and useful for my goals, which are to lead people to find healing and bring healing to others.

This is life; to be the cure for the sickness, the light in the darkness. This is what matters, and from now on it doesn't matter how that happens. I may end up in a church with a money tree out front, pastored by a man with a yacht, and it won't matter as long as healing and hope abound. I could be at a church where the preacher is a political nut, and I may have to run sound for a townhall meeting filled with angry senior citizens, but it won't matter, as long as the Kingdom is at hand.

We Are Homeless

2009-11-28T23:30:00.000-08:00

We are a transient generation.

We don't put down roots, perhaps because there is so much less deep soil available. We travel with the winds, barely acknowledging the people around us, the ones we used to know as neighbors and trusted friends. We hang out with people when it is convenient, and are quick to forget them when the winds take us somewhere else.

I feel transient. I feel homeless. I don't think I'm the only one.

I want to put down roots somewhere. I want to live and work and go to church in the same place, for a long time. I want to be someone that can be depended on, to have friends from ten years ago coming over for lunch on the weekends, and to see something God is doing grow over the course of a decade. I am hurt that when things go wrong, our generation can be counted on to turn tail and run. There has to be something more, and that something starts with a home.

We need a home to care about, a solid base to build on. We are not all itinerant workers in the kingdom of God. He wants to establish us, in a neighborhood and a church and a family, with solid connections that are not easily broken.

For now, we all drift along, and I'm beginning to see how truly sad that is. Home is more than a place to lay your head.

Simple Truth

2009-11-23T16:35:00.000-08:00

Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so...

How does God speak to you? What words does He use?

Have you ever thought you heard God saying "Okay, that was stupid. Why were you such a jerk?"

I am in the process of a revelation. I say "in the process" because this revelation is a process. King David would often beg for mercy and cry out for forgiveness as if it were in short supply, when God's love and mercy are limitless. I am sure he never completely figured it out. That is what makes his songs so amazing, that they are the songs of an imperfect man, the artistic expression of a broken soul, canonized as ultimate Truth because that is the truth of human existence.

Sometimes I think God put the Psalms in the Bible to convey a simple message to our hearts. It's words speak to our souls, and take hold of our spirits with the promise that "it's all gonna be okay."

The revelation that I'm coming to, the simple and profound truth, is that God loves me. He doesn't think I'm a loser, or a failure, or a jerk. He sees me as His child, and He loves me with a perfect and unconditional love. He loves me through thick and thin, through obedience and random acts of stupidity.

It isn't His voice that tells us we are stupid. There is an opponent, an adversary, who would like nothing better than to speak darkness into our lives disguised as light. The word "Satan" actually comes from the Hebrew word for adversary, and this is what that voice is. The voice that speaks to and highlights our every weakness is the voice of one who wishes us harm. This "Devil" wants us to wallow, to give in to who we can't help being.

No, God loves us, and is the one who tells us that we can do more, that what we've done isn't who we were meant to be. His spirit is what spurs us to be bigger than ourselves, and to love with a supernatural love. He has allowed there to be an accuser, and allowed us the choice to love Him or leave Him, but His love cannot be questioned or described. It was an act of love to give us a choice. We can understand the beauty of perfect love because we live in a world of imperfection and longing.

I thought that this God was like my father, and maybe you have the same problem; that voice that doubts your worth as a person. I thought He would be angry or disappointed if I cried, or if I showed any weakness to Him whatsoever. I thought He would point out my flaws and consider me unworthy of His time or attention. All of this will sound dumb to those of you who've never been through some sort of traumatic rejection, but the rest of you...

The rest of you get it. You understand all too well where I'm coming from. You've been in the exact same place, and maybe you still are. You have no problem telling other people about God's love for them... I mean, heck, I sing about it every week, leading hundreds of people to sing a truth that we'll spend our whole lives trying to understand!

This is what I ask of you, if you've read this far. Say this simple sentence, stating it as a simple truth... and let it speak to you. Speak this, out loud, and if you have trouble, say it louder. Say it through your anger, through your tears... let these words pour over whatever threatens to keep them silent. Whisper it, sing it, or scream it at the top of your lungs...

Jesus Loves Me.

2009-11-18T10:04:00.001-08:00

Repetition weakens the idea, but not necessarily the truth behind it.

Recent Worship Leading Videos

2009-11-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

This is a big post, lots of music. These are from Third Format at Central Christian Church in Gilbert. They are some of my favorite songs, and I had a blast leading them!

"The Second Alive" - originally by Charlie Hall.
Video from November 1

"The Time Has Come" and "Not Ashamed" - originally by Hillsong United
Video from November 8

"The Highest and the Greatest" - Originally by Tim Hughes
"How He Loves" - Originally by John Mark McMillan
Video from November 8

"All Around Me" - Originally by Flyleaf, also covered by David Crowder*Band
"SMS (Shine)" - Originally by David Crowder*Band
Video from November 1

"Starlight" - Originally by Muse (this was an intro song)
Video from October 18

"Uprising" - Originally by Muse (another fun intro song, and as close as I've come to "sticking it to the man")
Video from November 1

2009-11-10T23:47:00.001-08:00

Imperfection is the one thing we have in common. Imperfection is universal. Imperfection is a reminder of who we aren't.

How Should We Study God?

2009-11-06T16:35:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking lately, about this whole "Creation vs. Evolution" debate, and the broader animosity between Scientists and Theologians. I think we often feel the need to validate one to the other, Science to Theology or Theology to Science, as if we have been tasked with this, and as if we had the ability to accomplish such a validation.

I think there is an inherent flaw in the whole debate, however. Science is concerned with the quantifiable, that which can be recreated and studied. It is concerned with the study of the natural universe, and that is certainly a dauntingly huge subject to comprehend. Science, however, is by very definition unable to viably discuss the "supernatural", and this is a good thing.

See, the study of any God or Deity with the ability to create an entire universe, of which our planet is merely an atom orbiting a molecule inside of a speck floating in the vast expanse of space, would be far too large an undertaking for science. Creation is unquantifiable, and it can't be replicated. There is no possible point of reference to the power of a Creator, because all of creation is within the Creator's realm of possibility, and we can know nothing that is not in that realm of possibility, except for the preposterous things that we attempt to describe in big words to give us the illusion of understanding (string theory, anyone?). Even those things are within our imagination, which is a part of the brain, which is itself simply replicated cells replicating and multiplying and living and dying.

No, Science cannot, and should not, endeavor to understand our Creator, and neither should Theology attempt to finagle its way into the Scientific. Both sides, both groups of people, fancy themselves and their areas of expertise to be far more than they actually are. God, or whatever creative force you choose to believe in, seems to have made this distinction quite apparent, even going so far as to give us the words "Natural" and "Supernatural" to describe the two separate realms. Theology is concerned with the Supernatural, and should not attempt to impose the Supernatural upon the Natural (although living out the Supernatural will in the natural world, for the benefit of the world and the pleasure of the Supernatural, is certainly within the Theological discussion).

Instead, we've been given Art, which is not limited by rules or logic, but merely by available materials, talents, and imagination. As I wrote previously in response to a friendly discussion on Facebook, I think the realm of art, that which is for the most part immeasurable (and at certain times and from certain perspectives seemingly pointless) is a more proper realm to discuss the sum and substance of God. Our creative artistic ability and appreciation is the very meaning of being created "in the Image" of our Creator.

I think Art itself attests to it's necessity in the human experience. This is why so many stories de-humanize certain people groups or alien groups by taking away or severely limiting their ability or desire for the arts. Two examples I can think of are V for Vendetta and the newer Star Trek iterations. In V for Vendetta, V is fighting essentially for England's right to humanity, her people's right to the Arts and to disagreement and all of that which is part of the human experience. In the Star Trek series, the Borg are introduced as a "collective" in which people lose their identity for the benefit of the nearly invincible collective. The show constantly presents humanity and individuality as the one thing that defeats this otherwise overpowering force.

I believe that the Arts are our conduit to God, our best method of understanding our Creator. I believe there is an overlap into Theology, which is the best method for understanding our role and relationship with the Creator. I believe Science should be free from discussions about our Creator, and instead busy itself with this vast and beautiful creation.

Love (In The Pit Of My Stomach)

2009-11-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

So, if you are late to the party, I will tell you the awesome news one more time... I'm engaged! (never gets old)

Now, my fiance is from here in Arizona, but I am looking anywhere and everywhere for a worship leading position, either full-time or substantial part-time staff, because this is the thing that God has made me good at, the thing that brings me the most joy, and it would be dumb for me to not at least pursue this as a career. She is completely behind me, and wants me to look everywhere for a position and go wherever that takes me, even though it means we may be apart for five months (from the time my residency at Central ends, until we get married and she follows me out).

This has seemed like a good plan... unenviable, since I knew I'd miss her, but still not too bad. I mean, it's only five months, right?

But love doesn't work like that, apparently. I was looking at someone's 21st birthday pictures up on Facebook, and I realized that I would be missing Kristen's 21st birthday. That made me very, unbearably sad. My stomach started getting tied up in knots, and I came to my blog because I needed to do something to get it out. I love that girl, and I don't want to be apart from her for five months. I get sad when I don't get to see her for a day.

And suddenly I understand a lot more about romantic love, about the longing to be with the person you love. I understand what it means when being apart isn't an easy "option" but a depressing prospect. I feel like I'll be leaving part of myself back here in Arizona if and when I leave. I mean, it is what's best for our future and all that jazz, but those words seem a lot less meaningful when coupled with the word "apart".

It's a privilege to love someone this way, and I know that, but that doesn't make the idea of being apart any less painful. I can't wait until I get to spend the rest of my life with her. I suppose that is a good thing, that I feel the longing of this love in the pit of my stomach.

Simple Things

2009-11-04T16:27:00.001-08:00

Why do we like simple things?

Maybe because we've made this world too complicated. Maybe we've lost the joy that came with growing up.

I don't know what it is, but something in side of us makes us grin from ear to ear when we open a brand new box of crayons.

I suppose I could combine this childishness with adult responsibility, and go invest in Crayola or something.

Do you like simple things?

Running From Snowballs in Arizona

2009-11-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

The first and only time I saw a significant amount of snow, I had to be shown how to make a snowball. I had to start with something small, something that fit inside of my hand. I then had to roll it around, letting the snow on the ground become part of the snowball. I was surprised at how big it started getting, and eventually it was big enough to become the bottom of a snowman.

I've been pretty stressed lately. My fiance, who is crazy smart when it comes to how people think, told me I was letting things snowball into something I couldn't control. I got the image of one of those big cartoon snowballs that comes careening down a mountain to bury someone. Then I remembered that snowman, and how that big bottom of the snowman started out as something the size of my hand.

I don't think I'm the only person dealing with snowballs these days. There is a lot of uncertainty out there, a lot of unemployment and uncertain futures and self-doubt. We want to be self-sufficient, to say we're just fine, that we can deal with this snowball that started out as something the size of our hand, something we just couldn't let go of.

Except that now, it's bigger than us and threatening to bury us.

In the Psalms, I could hear David dealing with his own snowballs, and constantly reminding himself that God would be his help, that God was bigger than the biggest snowball David could create. I think he did this as much for his own benefit as for the benefit of whoever may have read and sung his songs.

Music is cathartic that way... the melody and harmony and dissonance, they come together to say what words alone couldn't. I wish I could hear the music that went with David's Psalms. I think that music would resonate with all of us who are busy running from snowballs.

As for me, I sometimes feel like I've already been run over by the snowball. I suppose it's time for me and Jesus to grab a couple of shovels, because ultimately, if you are trapped underneath a crapload of snow, sitting and moping won't really help you much. Besides, all that a snowball consists of is a bunch of microscopic flakes of snow, just like most of our own "snowballs" consist of a bunch of little crap that looks much less cool that snowflakes.

Philosophy of Worship Ministry

2009-10-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

I was asked to write this during an application process, and it made me think about what my practical goal is as a worship leader. This is what I came up with.

I believe that Worship is a lifestyle, and a constant choosing of God over everything else. As such, I believe that corporate worship has the responsibility to be both a heart’s cry and a challenge, a means and an end. When we embrace the dual nature of worship, both the inward and outward aspects, we can effectively lead a congregation in a corporate worship service that helps every type of person move closer to God.

I think it is easiest to think of corporate worship as the heart’s cry of the believer, and that many people stop at this point and try to minister to only this group. However, I believe that when we minister especially to the personal experience of these people, we are actually being detrimental to their spiritual growth. There are many “me and Jesus” songs that leave out the key part of the equation, the love for others that Jesus puts on equal ground with love for God (because it is the natural result of love for God). I believe when you spend time in “adoration”, it should always be with one eye open toward the Jesus that may be begging for food or crying out for love.

Therefore, the aim of worship should be to cause movement. This accomplishes two goals, one for both the believer and the non-believer. Toward the believer, this aim is beneficial in reinforcing discipleship lessons and providing fresh inspiration to live the life of a disciple. Toward the non-believer, this aim reflects the purpose of Christianity and shows what the church values. Non-believers have trouble relating to traditional church when it becomes about the business of running itself. A community of believers is valuable, to be sure, but that community should not be insular.

In practice, the planning of Worship services should take the approach of Paul, who saw God in everything good. Everything that can be used to magnify God is within the worship artist’s scope. It is the responsibility of the artist to use the different media and gifts available to him, in the most culturally coherent way possible, in order to achieve the aims of the ministry. It is important for there to be coherence in the message of each service, from the speaking to the music and other creative elements. It is also important for this coherent message to be consistent with the ultimate aims and direction of the church.

As far as this relates to Music specifically, the worship leader should realize the power of music. God created us in such a way that a powerful chord progression, combined with a certain melody, can drive the right lyric straight to the heart of the listener. We must learn the musical language that speaks to the hearts of those we are ministering to. In some places this may be R&B, Hip-Hop, Modern Rock, Pop, or Indie Rock/Folk, and if you are not gifted in that place’s form of music, you should take that into account before taking on the responsibility of leading worship in that place. For example, my strengths are the Indie Rock and Modern Rock sounds, and I am versatile enough to play some Pop and some hymns. However, when I’ve tried to lead gospel tunes in the past, I’ve been less than stellar, and I know I would not be the best to reach people who are touched by that sort of music.

When we’ve begun speaking to the hearts of our congregation, worship leaders must then supplement the music with whatever other media is available to them, as discussed previously. We must always be sensitive to which forms of art will resonate with those under our leadership, and strive to weave those into the worship services seamlessly and, once again, coherently. We can’t force a certain creative element simply because it is available to us, or because we want this or that artist to be satisfied. We must have that one coherent aim that we stick to and strive for.

Finally, we must be practicing what we preach. A coherent, outwardly focused message can be undermined by an immoral or simply selfish lifestyle. Us “on-stage” people, who are seen and known by the congregation, have the special opportunity to make the message a reality through their service.

Mercy (Catherine Rohr)

2009-10-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

How hard is it for us to have mercy on someone?

Well, it's fairly easy when their actions don't directly affect us.

It's also easy when their talent is more apparent than their shortcomings.

It's hard, though, when we've emotionally attached ourselves to something.

When a redemption story goes wrong... when a hero falls from great heights... when someone who is an advocate for something we believe in does something unthinkable, something...

...human.

Catherine Rohr was an advocate for those no one else cared for. Catherine Rohr was a hero, someone to look up to and learn from and admire. Catherine Rohr recently did something unbearably human. In the midst of the incredible pain of divorce, she sought comfort in those who had been helped by her "Prison Entrepreneurship Program" in Texas prisons. Now, bear in mind that these were former inmates, men who had gotten their lives on the right track through hard work, who had paid their debt to society. Still... she had "inappropriate relationships" with the four men, and is no longer allowed to work in the program she spearheaded.

So how is the church going to react? Will the Willow Creek Association stand behind her and help her find healing, or have they gotten all they need out of her? Will all of those who attended the Leadership Summit speak of her as some sort of villian, another in a long line of disappointments? This woman ultimately gave up her marriage for the good of others (and we don't know anything about that situation)... she was feeling alone and abandoned and confused, and she looked for comfort.

Will we have mercy on her? I am not a big leader in the church. I am not some sort of theologian or philosopher, and I don't have a Doctorate in Ministry from some well-respected ministry. I am not one who will shape public perception. So all I can do is pray.

Pray that we have mercy on Catherine Rohr.

Pray that we stand with her as she struggles to find healing and closure.

Pray that one day she can use her considerable talents to once again do amazing things for God.

And finally, pray that God will forgive me for my own lack of mercy in the past, for the time when I stood with the rest in judgment of a fallen brother.

Hey, wait for me!

2009-10-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

On my way to work today, I looked to my left and saw a city bus at it's stop. As I turned right, I saw a tiny asian lady running frantically towards the bus, and still maybe 100 yards away. I was thinking "she'll never make it", and I looked in my rear-view, expecting the bus to drive off and the lady to be left in a frazzled mess of bags and disappointment.

But then, something unexpected happened. The bus didn't move. The lady began moving even faster, as she realized that the bus was going to wait. You could almost see the hope in every step... although she was still quite frantic.

Now, while all of this was happening, "How He Loves" was loudly resonating inside my car. You can't listen to that song and drive without being amazed at how He loves each and every person you see. I started thinking about how it feels when someone waits for you... how being waited for makes you feel wanted, and special, and loved.

God waited for me. He waited through my yelling and my anger and my cursing the idea of being up early on a Sunday Morning. He waited for me to get past the problems that followed me wherever I went, to see past my broken world to the one who could fix it. He waited because He loved me, because He knew that more than anything, I needed Him to take on what life had thrown at me. He loved me, fathered me, and gave me an identity.

But how many times do we get impatient with Him, and run off to do our own thing? We are like children, thinking that our parents are moving too slow, running forward toward something that looks super cool, and suddenly realizing that we are lost, crying out to be found. A few things begin to hurt us (shape us, grow us), and we want to throw in the towel and condemn God for abandoning us. We suck at waiting.

Still, He loves us. He waits for us, because He's seen this before. He knows that we will learn, that one day we will thank Him for how He used that dark night to shape us. He knows that soon we will come to the end of ourselves, come to our senses, and come running back into His arms. He knows this, because we are His children and His creation, and He is our Savior and Creator and Father.

So He's still waiting, and it's not a sign of weakness. Impatience is weakness. Patience is strength, and His strength is limitless. So is His love. Are you the one He's waiting for?

Don't take more than you can carry...

2009-10-11T22:23:00.001-07:00

In Exodus, the Israelites were fed manna (which literally meant "what is it?"... thanks Don Sailer!), and told to only collect enough for that day. But instead, they would try to collect for the next day as well, so they didn't have to go out every day. They did the exact opposite of what God told them to do, because they were lazy and impatient, and the manna turned into maggots the next day. It was stinky and gross.

I think debt is the maggot of our day. See, God promises to provide what we need for the day, "our daily bread", and that should be enough for us. Often, however, it just isn't, and we feel the need to buy more stuff than we can afford. We get into debt, paying for the toys of today with our futures. I know a lot about that. I got into quite a bit of debt when I was younger and am still paying for it today. The funny thing is, I've got pretty much nothing to show for it.

"Don't spend what you don't have."

It seems like such a simple principle, and for most of history it was the only honorable way to live. Debts unpaid would mean time in prison, or in servitude. It was disgraceful to live in debt.

But now, it's almost considered disgraceful to not have credit. Our culture is one that tries to gather more than we can carry, and that leads to burdens we can't lift on our own, burdens we weren't meant to have. When we can't carry them, someone else has to... and that's how the economy was destroyed, but that's another subject.

The point to this is, we must trust in God to provide us with what we need, and trust that what we are provided with is enough and that we do not "need" more. This is really, really hard to do when it seems like your "daily bread" is way smaller than your appetite, but God knows exactly what He's doing. When you diet, your stomach gets smaller as it gets used to less food, and perhaps our appetites for shiny new things would also get smaller if we'd just get on a budget.

Now I'm not saying we shouldn't save money, because that is more of a stewardship issue. We are told to handle our money wisely. No, this is about stuff... and how we need less of it. In fact, if we'd just save and not spend every last "extra" dollar we have, we may be able to buy something pretty sweet when it's all said and done...or maybe even change the world.

Perception

2009-10-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

To those who see me lead worship at Central or at Desert Haven, I am a worship leader. To the ones who only come to Central once in a while, I am the guy who sings or plays bass/electric guitar/keyboard. To those looking for the best service out there, the "consumer" Christians here to check out the service, I am either an asset or a detriment... depending on their preference in musical styles and how well I "performed" that day.

My residency ends in less than three months. To the churches I am sending resumes to, I am merely a list of facts, a History major trying to pass himself off as a worship leader. Too little experience. Too little classical education. I couldn't possibly be who they need. There are dozens of churches (and it may get into the hundreds) who will miss out on a passionate, creative, and competent worship leader, simply because they can't get past a list of requirements and their interpretation of the arbitrary facts on a resume. This isn't pride, it's me coming to terms with who I am and where God has gifted me.

This post is more personal than normal, and I apologize if that makes you uncomfortable. There are two points to this post, and the first is this: You always need to remember who you are, where God has given you strength and where He has given you help in your weakness. It's easy to get discouraged, to let your surroundings or constant rejections and slights weigh heavy on your shoulders and cause you to stumble. Don't take that easy, painful road. If you are going to go through pain, let it be from the friction of your passion, calling, and hard work leading you past the threshold of what should be possible.

The second point of this post is that when you are a slave to your own perceptions, you miss very important realities.

P.S. To those of you who would like to help change the way people "perceive" you, social networking sites are important tools in this process. Connect with me on LinkedIn and let's work on changing perceptions.

My Own Worst Enemy (or, Why I Need A Robot)

2009-09-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I could do a lot more with this life if it weren’t for the fact that I was the one living it.

Confused yet?

What I mean is that I get in my own way a lot. I want to live this life of meaning and purpose and love and grace, and be this amazing worship leader and servant and fiancé and friend. I want to live a life bigger than myself, a life that glorifies God in every action and thought, but I try to do it on my own...

...and it's impossible to consistently live for God, without God.

But it wouldn't be so impossible if I HAD A ROBOT!

See, I've come to the realization that most of my screw-ups are due to my own emotional crap. So if I had a robot, that was programmed to do the things I know are right, without the constraints of emotions or insecurities, I'd be much more successful.

I always hate the parts of movies where the constraints of humanity cause people to screw something up, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional shortcomings. So, my robot would have:

1. A 1000 horsepower, solar powered engine.
2. A brain with a direct connection to Google.
3. The ability to play any and every instrument, and to sing on key and switch to that cool autotune sound.
4. No feelings, just encouraging words programmed into it, including the capability for light, comforting taps on the shoulder.

Of course, many things could go wrong with Robot Richard. For one, it could use too much strength in one of those comforting taps, shattering collarbones instead of mending hearts. Also, the Google brain, with that strength and no emotional constraints, could very likely take over the world.

Then again, perhaps Robot Richard wouldn't be a bad dictator.

Now, perhaps instead of wishing I had a Robot Richard, I should instead get closer to God, and enjoy all of the amazing emotions that come with friendship and relationship and romance and accomplishment. Perhaps I should embrace the opportunity to comfort people with my own hands and lead people in worship with my own voice. Maybe God's given me these privileges for a reason...

But I still think Robot Richard would be awesome.

Indie Bliss is Sufjan Stevens

2009-09-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

There is something positively magical about great indie music. It feels organic, unadultered by the hit makers and unencumbered by contracts and expectations. Now, I know this isn't always true, that Sufjan Stevens' Asthmatic Kitty label is probably just as much a slave to their eclectic image as other labels are to their bread and butter, but still... the beauty of a great song by a great songwriter with a band of friends is something to behold.

I love how music can put the soul at ease one minute, and push a restless spirit to action the next. Third Format tonight was awesome, and the songs were amazing examples of driving, inspiring music. That has it's time and place.

But for now... take a rest with me, and enjoy some of Sufjan Stevens' best work.

Love Who I Love

2009-09-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

Do you have those friends who treat their dogs like people?

I've noticed something pretty interesting over the past few weeks. Friends of mine have had pictures of their pets in different situations on facebook, and people have responded directly to the pets. Now, the first think I think when I see something like this is something along the lines of DOGS CAN'T READ!!!

Except, perhaps, for Border Collies. I hear they are smarter than two year olds.

But I started thinking about what those people were thinking. And when you starting thinking about what people are thinking, it gets you thinking that maybe your thinking isn't so, well, thoughtful.

When you love something, the best thing a friend can do is express a supportive love toward that something. That supportive love is one that doesn't compete with, but compliments, the original love. This applies to everything from pets and favorite bands, to family and romantic relationships. I love my sister, and when my friends and family are looking out for her while I am 2 states away, I feel loved. I love my girlfriend, and when someone does something to make her happy, it makes me happy. But I had to learn that there is a difference between complimentary and competing affections, especially in my romantic relationship. Jealousy comes from not understanding that difference, and I am having to mature out of being the jealous type. When there is that complimentary love, and when I recognize it as such, the person expressing that love becomes a friend of mine, even if I've never met them, because they've loved who I love.

I think this is what God asks us to do with other people. If we love God, and God loves people, we should also love people. However, we shouldn't love them with a selfish love that competes with God for their affections. I mean, how silly would it be for us to try and get someone else's dog to like us instead of it's owner? The love we have for people should be one that compliments and supports the love God has for them, one that points them to the original love.

So this is why we treat our friend's pets and children so well. We love who they love, because we love them.

When you love who I love, you love me.

When you love who God loves... you get the picture.

Web Presence

2009-09-21T11:47:00.001-07:00

I spent the morning working on my "web presence" (i.e. LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, Blogger). I have been influenced by Seth Godin's Blog for a while now, having been shown it when I first arrived at Central. The more and more I read his work, the more I feel I need to do more on the web.

So here is my question to everyone who still reads this on blogger or in my notes... what would you suggest I should do to have more of a "web presence"? Does the word "web presence" remind you of a ghost spider? Does the picture I used really creep you out?

By the way, that picture is an actual ghost spider. Did you know they existed? I didn't.

I Grew Up On The Street! (Nostalgia Alert!)

2009-09-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

The Sesame Street, that is!

One of my responsibilities in Third Format is to find the "Random Clip of the Month" and post it on the blog. In my searching for the best of the best, some videos make me quite happy, but don't quite make the cut. It made me incredibly happy to see these clips, with talented and relevant musicians and actors teaching kids how to count and spell. Since you won't be seeing them on the Third Format blog anytime soon, I thought I'd show them to you here :). I grew up watching Sesame Street, and I'm not ashamed to say it still fills me with the warm fuzzies whenever I see it!

Show me what I'm looking for.

2009-09-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

My favorite children's books is The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. It is a simple, sad, beautiful story about a tree who loved a little boy. The tree was always happy giving the little boy what he wanted, but sad when the little boy went away. The boy (who grows up throughout the story) is always looking for something else from the tree... money, shelter, escape, rest. Ultimately, the tree is happy when the boy (who is now an old man) finds rest sitting on what is now... a stump.

I wonder if sometimes we treat God like that tree.

I've noticed that, as I've grown up, I've wanted different things from God. When I first became a Christian it was simply a pleasure to feel God near, to worship Him and do whatever I could to serve. I just wanted to spend my entire life bringing a smile to His face, and didn't think about many other things.

It seems that as we "grow up", we begin to believe that we can live our life on our own, or perhaps simply get by with a little help from God. We ask Him for a job, or a car, or some money or love or stability. We ask Him, and when He helps us we may or may not thank Him as we run off to our important, busy lives. We look for satisfaction in the things He can give, when the only true satisfaction lies in the giver.

I imagine how the boy in the story could have enjoyed the company and advice of the tree when he was looking to make his living. I wonder how much the tree would have loved to hear about the pretty girl he met the other day, or the awesome boating adventures he had that past week. I wonder how much love the boy was missing out on... if maybe he could have found rest and peace a lot sooner.

Now, in writing this, I was at first tempted to chastise the belittling of God in such a way, wondering how I could possibly think of the Omnipotent Creator as a humble friend and provider longing for our company. Instead, I am amazed at the beauty of His humility. Philippians 2 says that Christ did indeed humble himself in that way, loving us enough to long for our company. This fills my heart with regret, at all of the times I've put Him off and let Him down.

When my girlfriend wants to spend time with me, it is one of the most amazing feelings. I feel so loved when she tells me she misses me, when she expressed her desire to see me and tries to find some way to spend time with me despite our busy schedules. To think that God humbles himself to this kind of love for us is... unimaginable. amazing. beautiful.

So maybe I shouldn't treat God like the boy treated the tree. Maybe instead of telling God what I want and asking Him how He can help my purposes, I can just be happy to be with Him. Maybe I can let Him show me what I'm looking for.

Will You be in the air tonight?

2009-09-08T22:27:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it feels like God is far away.

It almost feels wrong to say that, since I work for a church and am a worship leader, but above all of that I am a follower of Christ and a believer in honesty. All of that to say, sometimes I feel like I am reaching and reaching and grabbing nothing but air.

Even with this blog post, I felt like I should write something, but all I could think of is this one thing...

God is in the air.

As I stared at the majesty of His pyrotechnics lighting up the sky, through my smudged windshield, I felt something... but I just couldn't put it to words. I tried, but it felt like I was just grasping at air, trying to find something to hold on to. All I could think of, the only words that came out, were those five words...

God is in the air.

I think we worry a lot. We worry when we don't have the right words or the right response. We worry that we won't make our point, that we will be responsible for the results of our negligence as we lose the struggle to stay focused, as we stare off into the distance, into the... air.

God is in the air.

We look, and we seek, and we search, and these are all different words for the same thing, but we try all three anyway. Even now, in trying to make this point that is only now becoming coherent in my mind, I feel like I should be finding the perfect picture to draw your attention to...

To what? There is no place where God is not. There is no dark corner hidden from Him, not even in our hearts or minds. Where am I going to draw your attention, as if I knew a place with more God than another place? I can draw you to pictures of what He's done, but that pales in comparison to WHO HE IS... and who He is can't simply be pointed at, in some concrete location like the QuikTrip a few blocks down

I am just coming to this realization, that it is my job to lead you into the presence of A GOD WHO IS EVERYWHERE. It isn't a matter of location, but cognition. With minds set on Christ, we become cognizant of God's omnipresent nature, and we stop looking for Him, and start worshipping Him where we stand.

Because God is in the air.

I'm not sure what that means yet, but I like it.

Insecurities (One Year)

2009-08-20T04:23:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how our insecurities can make us feel so small and useless. They only need the slightest basis of truth, the smallest spark to be ignited. It feels like lately my life has been filled with sparks.

I try to look at the bright side, to say that this is merely a case of God's divine humiliation. Maybe I had a big head, or maybe I just needed to be humbled in order to understand people around me. I do believe that God has a purpose behind this position He has placed me in, directly on the bottom of the totem pole.

It's just that in everything I am going through right now, whether it be mundane or amazing, I am constantly being faced with these insecurities, whose existences were merely speculations a year ago.

It's hard to believe it's been over a year since I made that 8 hour drive up to Dallas, determined not to get stuck back in South Texas and my comfort zone. I asked for this, you know... the discomfort, the growth, the trial by fire. I asked for all of it, and I can't forget that.

Still, that is beside the point. The point is that these insecurities can shape our actions, and if we aren't careful, they can shape us. We need to get rid of them, to be secure in something. We can take our own steps and measures to deal with our junk from the past, and I commend anyone who does so, but ultimate security lies in Christ. These insecurities, just like every other messed up thing in our lives, are meant to draw us closer to Christ. They are a reminder of our reliance on, and need for, something bigger than ourselves.

See, I know all of this, but I still occasionally let these insecurities determine my actions.

"I want to do what is good, but I don’t.
I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway."
-Paul (Romans 7:19)

Ghosts

2009-08-13T00:52:00.000-07:00

I am a grown man, 25 years old, doing what I love for a living.

Yet the ghosts of my past still haunt me. The insecurities, the experiences that I wish I could forget...

They are like those relatives you like the least. They seem to be the ones who visit the most, stay the longest, and eat all of the good cereal.

For me, it is this feeling of being unwanted.

I'm being vulnerable on this rather public forum, but in a vague way, so that you can relate to what I am feeling without being creeped out or concerned by annoyingly personal details. Suffice it to say that there are many reasons for me to feel unwanted, many events in my life that have taken years of healing to overcome.

However, the feeling I get the most lately, the ghost that seems to be around every corner, finds it's origins on the playground. Lately, I've felt like the "last one picked" in a playground game of football, the one that no one really wants on their team.

I was always better than the other kids picked among the last, so I tended to do well because of the awkward people assigned to me, whatever the game was. I took pleasure in showing the other team what they were missing, but in my heart I just wished they would have picked me sooner.

It's funny, because here I am 15 years later, and I am still sensitive when I feel the sting of being the odd man out. I still find that those old insecurities want to paint my world in shades of grey, and those old ghosts try to convince me that nothing has really changed, and that I am still not good enough to be...

Well, insert whatever applies to you, because the point is this... the ghosts aren't real.

I used to be scared of ghosts. I used to see something wicked in every darkness, and something sinister in the unseen. It took a long time (in fact, about 12 years) for me to realize that there was no ghost in the other room, and nothing wicked in the darkness.

Just the same, today I find myself needing to learn that I am far from the last one picked. Today I find myself realizing I am in a place few others have the opportunity to see. Today I see that God chose me, and not just because there was no one left. Today I see that I am very rarely the last one picked, that I am surrounded by friends and love beyond my best expectations.

But every once in a while, I will be the last one picked. It's alright though...

... it's just motivation.

Replenishment (Texas Versus Arizona)

2009-08-08T23:28:00.000-07:00

I've almost forgotten what crops look like, being out here in Arizona. Except for the orange trees blooming a few months back, I haven't seen any agriculture, or very much natural plant life for that matter. I was excited to see the pines around Flagstaff last month, but even then I was disappointed to learn that there was very little grass beneath those pines. I have this desire to run through a naturally grassy field, to see cotton and corn growing in vast rows, with plant life all around and random woodland animals milling about. I miss torrential downpours that seem to last for three days straight (although I don't miss the ensuing mosquito attacks).

This past week, Central hosted a satellite campus of The Leadership Summit on the Mesa campus. One of the speakers, I think it was Bill Hybels, talked about replenishment, and the need for a replenishment plan in a church leader's life. That word, "replenish," brought to mind the way that the land responded in South Texas, after a downpour released the area from a drought. There was so much natural growth, so much life, after those rains. Everything was green, and growth turned to overgrowth as the plant life held little regard for man's preferred topography.

Here in the East Valley of Arizona, there is so little growth because there is so little rain. That which does grow is controlled, nurtured, and usually doesn't look natural at all. There is no wildness to the trees or the grass you see. Everything that you see was planned, and lately I don't like that very much.

I think of this difference, between natural and unnatural growth, and I wonder if we are more like Arizona than Texas sometimes. I wonder if we aren't getting our replenishment from God; if we are far from where His rains are, and yet determined to make it work anyway. If we are lucky, we get what we planned, and nothing more. If not, we get less, or nothing at all. Either way, our souls are barren desert masquerading as an oasis. There is no wild and untamable nature in our spirits, just predictable and safe unnatural growth.

I want to be like Texas; to have my droughts, but always be just a flash flood away from life in abundance.

New Videos From Last Weekend

2009-08-05T17:22:00.000-07:00

This is me with the Third Format band, from August 1st and 2nd. I hope you enjoy the videos.

Break Me Down by Christian City Church of Oxford Falls (C3)

You Are My Joy by David Crowder Band

Marvelous Light by Charlie Hall, with One Way by Hillsong United at the end.

Where is God?

2009-07-30T23:39:00.001-07:00

"Sometimes You're further than the moon. Sometimes You're closer than my skin." -Martin Smith

I have often heard people talk about "falling away" from God, or "backsliding" away from the life they once led. I think these nice words, these gentle words, belie the true nature of what we are doing.

God is Love. What is more, He is IN LOVE with us. He created sunsets and starry nights as a love letter to us.

We rejected His love, and got ourselves into a huge mess that we couldn't get out of. We were doomed to die, pitifully and hopelessly. He sent His Son; indeed, His very self in flesh and blood. He loved and healed, and He showed us what love and healing truly were. He gave His life so that we might be freed, us who were covered in this world's filth, dirty and despised. He died to make us His own, and His love makes us beautiful.

Yet, even today, we reject that Love, instead settling for the scraps this world offers us. We tell Him that He isn't enough, and we leave Him brokenhearted as we turn our back on Him yet again. This GOD, creator of the universe, has humbled himself to relationship with us, His most beloved creation... and we have used it to hurt Him. We have hurt and betrayed the only perfect love we will ever know.

It should break your heart. I know it broke mine, once I realized just how far I had "fallen away" from... ignored... betrayed... and utterly disregared this Perfect Love personified.

It should do more, however, than simply break your heart. I know that when I realize that I've hurt someone I love, the first thing I want to do is make it right. I try as hard as I can, right then, to fix it, and I continue to try and repair that which I've broken. Once we realize what we have done, we should "repent"... turn from what we've been doing, and do all that we can to return to our Perfect Love.

What is amazing, though, is this one other fallacy in the wording of "falling away". See, we never actually fall "away", because God is always right there to pick us up again. We don't have to wait until His feelings are under control, or until He can look at us again, because His love is more perfect than ours will ever be. Right now, as you feel far from Him, He is simply waiting for you to turn around, to come back to His love.

This is the Gospel. This is the Good News, a Love that is stronger than our imperfections, more resilient than our rebellious hearts.

"My love for You
My heart for You
My life for You
All I am for You"
-David Crowder

I know many people who are afraid to say this, to give Him everything. This is sadly ironic, since "perfect love casts away fear"...

... and He is our Perfect Love.

Richard Leading Worship - Videos

2009-07-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

I am placing this on my blog for two purposes. First, this is for all of those who have ever wondered what kind of music we do at my church. Second, this is where I will refer those who are looking for a worship leader and wanting to see me on video. Enjoy them, because I sure enjoyed making them! The audio isn't perfect, but it's better than anything I've had before.

These two songs are originally by Hillsong United. The Time Has Come has been one of my favorites to lead over the past few years, for youth and collegiate groups, both with my band back in Texas and here in Third Format. I'm Not Ashamed is a song I was introduced to here in Arizona, and I have grown to love it as well.

God Is Alive is a new song by Steve Fee. We learned the song off of a YouTube video, so I'm not sure this is the exact way it is going to be recorded by Fee. I love the words and the energy of this song, and singing this truth out, that God is alive and worthy of being glorified.

This last one is Running With Your Heart by Charlie Hall, and it is a bit different. We had an acoustic set, and I used a 12-string acoustic guitar and had Vik playing djembe. This song is one that many found hard to follow, so this was one of the only times we used it. I still think it's pretty amazing, and would love to try it again sometime.

Thanks for watching! I will update this post with new songs as I am able to convert them.

Anansi

2009-07-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

I’d like to think that my heart is for people in the gutter, but I have just been reminded of a time when I was completely oblivious to a gutter around me. I’ve told the story of my friend Anansi, my former next door neighbor who ended up killing his mother, at least a hundred times. Today, after getting a few things done and before starting on my review of The Gutter, I looked at a blog I follow called The Church of No People and responded to a question asking what the stupidest thing I’d ever done was. I began to tell the story of Anansi, and how he had left me high and dry in Sugarland, a suburb of Houston.

I had given him a ride home from our college, about five hours away. He had promised me gas money, which he had shown me the night before. Like the stupid freshman kid that I was, I took off with very little money, without telling anyone where I went, just to prove that I could make a long trip and to do something for my friend. When we got to Sugarland, Anansi didn’t know the way to his house, and when we stopped to fill my car up, he only had 6 dollars for me, because apparently he “had fun” the night before. He promised me money when we got to his house, but it took us about an hour to find it. When we finally did, there was an eviction notice on the door and the locks were changed. I left him there with his clothes under the awning of the house, angry and worrying about how I was going to get home.

The story of how I got home is one for another time and place. Anansi was found walking down the street on December 29th, with blood on his shirt and a bloody knife in his hand, and when confronted by police he immediately confessed to murdering his mother. I got the news that night, as my friend Marvin called me and told me to turn on the news, just in time to see the house I’d dropped Anansi off at, and a picture of his mother before she was slain. I considered this the end of the story for a long time, and after a while I treated it as my trump card story in any conversational situation, saved for the special occasions but shared countless times nonetheless.

I was in the process of telling this story in a comment on The Church of No People when I went searching for the story from the newspaper in 2002, the one with Anansi’s mug shot. Instead I found this story from 2008, catching up with him and his high school coach, and telling his story. Anansi had a life I couldn’t imagine, a life I had never asked about. We knew him, talked to him every day and hung out with him constantly, and yet we didn’t know that he spent two and a half years alone in an apartment that his mother and stepdad paid for, after he got out of Juvenile Detention. He told me, on the way to the place I dropped him off at (which apparently was never his home), that his mother didn’t want him, that he was going there because he thought he should, not because anyone particularly missed him. He told me about his religious meanderings and what his parents believed. He told me about not seeing his dad, about the relatives…

He told me so much of this, and all I remembered was the part about him leaving me nearly stranded, and the part about him killing his mother. I never tried to keep up with him, and never tried to stand up for him when his name was dragged through the mud, especially because most of the time it was me doing the dragging.

We need to be about loving the Anansi’s of this world. I don't know what to do right now... I think one way I can apply this to my life is to reconnect with this young man, though I don’t have the first clue as to how. I am going to email the writer of the article. I think also that I can listen to those around me, because there are those in my life right now that are hard to listen to, hard to want to be with, who need someone to shine a light into their darkness. I don’t know who the next Anansi will be in my life, or how long I will have with him before it’s too late.

*Picture is from this article by Ken Sherrington

Lead Servant

2009-07-07T00:51:00.000-07:00

My grandpa, before he retired, was a foreman for a rancher in South Texas. He was the head ranch hand, the #2 guy for a man named Stanley. He worked hard, and was trusted so much that for years after his retirement, Stanley would ask him to come back and run a combine for the harvest.

After retiring, he has kept busy, working with his hands to help his family, both earthly and spiritual. He did a lot of work getting a house ready for my mom and stepdad to move in to (if only the stepdad's character had been half as solid as my grandfather's handiwork), and I am always hearing about something he is working on. He is 72 and can still work harder and smarter than men half his age.

That trusted man, that lead servant... I don't know that they are ever truly recognized for their importance and their contributions. There is an old saying, that "it's hard to find good help." This is a common saying because it is true. Whatever we do, we do it for ourselves, trying to get the money we need, or the recognition or the accolades to quench our ever-thirsting egos. Too often we work just hard enough to get by, to be average, or perhaps just a little bit above average. It is almost always less than we are capable of, and then we wonder why we can't find a job more fulfilling?

This applies to our spiritual lives as well... trying to find that line that we shouldn't cross, some taboo that we want to inch ever closer to without ever broaching. We do enough to feel like a "normal" christian, like an "average" kind of guy or an "above average" type of girl. The only problem is, we were made, each of us, for the extraordinary. Our self-doubts and fears constantly try to silence our spirits, but still we hear them faintly calling out for more life, more effort, more fulfillment... life, to the full.

What would happen if all of our restlessness turned into action? What if our boredom produced movement? What if we got up from our "average" lives and reached for the extraordinary, despite the limits that our doubts and fears insist we adhere to?

What could God do with an army of lead servants, of trusted men and women who could storm the gates of hell with super-soakers full of love and peace and grace and truth, the WMD's of the spiritual realm?

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men... It is the Lord Christ you are serving" -Colossians 3:23-24

It starts with integrity, and it starts with each individual act from this point on. Whatever you are doing... with all of your heart. That is what being a lead servant is all about. If you strive to be a leader for Christ, this is especially important. We are not called to simply lead, as those in the world are. The leaders that the world looks up to answer to no one. We, as Christians, are called to constantly remember that we are accountable to another, that what we work with and nurture is not ours to boast in. We must constantly remember that it is Christ who is the leader, and no matter how many people are below us, it is always our duty to serve.

The lead servant is one who has a leader's ability and a servant's heart.
The lead servant is the one who can be trusted to know both what he's doing, and who he's doing it for.
The best leader is the lead servant.

Escapism- San Diego @ Night

2009-07-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

All of our plans were falling through.

We were supposed to hang out. I was off the next day, and she didn't have to work until 10. Everything we tried to plan just wasn't working. In humorous frustration, she texted me:

What if we drove to Cali tonight to play in the ocean and then came back?

It had been a long few weeks, and I'd been wanting to do something completely random for a while. Usually I would want to know all of the details before agreeing to something like this, but not this time. I texted back:

I'm down.

We stopped and got an audiobook by David Sedaris to listen to (not my choice, but funny in a "wow, that's wrong" kind of way) while driving on I-8 headed toward Yuma. There are very few radio stations between Phoenix and Yuma. We were headed to San Diego, on account of Los Angeles having no soul.

It was a beautiful drive once we got past El Centro. It was my first time in California, and winding through the big hills silhouetted against the light of the moonlit sky was a bit thrilling. I needed to get away. We needed to get away.

I think we all need to get away sometimes. Life gets more and more complicated and intricate as we get older, mostly because we suck at life and tend to make it that way. We get caught in a rut, and we need a fresh perspective, and so we go for a walk, or a run, or a ride, or a drive... something to take us away from the mundane, from the same old thing. It's called "Escapism", the wanting to get away from it all, to put distance between yourself and whatever it is that weighs you down.

As we get older, I think we convince ourselves that escaping is impractical. Heck, I didn't think I had that random trip in me anymore. But driving into San Diego under the cover of darkness, putting feet to the ocean and listening to the sheer massive power of it's waves, is cathartic to the soul. Really, the beauty of any new place is usually enough to bring our problems into perspective.

Escapism is healthy, as long as it ends. We were back in Mesa by 730 the next morning, with the same old struggles not looking quite as big as they once did. I had a feeling that everything would be alright. Then I crashed on my girlfriend's family couch.

Here's wishing you a Great Escape, a San Diego of your very own.

Coffee is the Center of the Universe

2009-06-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

Coffee is amazing. I'm pretty sure that no longer experience drowsiness, simply withdrawl symptoms. I am also pretty sure that God placed coffee on this earth to make me awesome. Before my first two cups of the nazarene narcotic, I am usually quite useless. I mean, sure, maybe most people running on consecutive days of less-than-ideal sleep would be just as sluggish, but in today's fast paced world, I need a quick fix more than a blissful 9 hours of slumber.

I even have a special press that I make my coffee in. I actually asked for it for Christmas, since I would only be able to take one thing back with me from Texas to Arizona on the plane. I am pretty much known as the fancy coffee guy in our church offices (it's like a normal office building, with about 40 people around at any given time, so that's saying something). I offer my caffienated goodness to all who ask, because of course I have extra... grounds, that is. As in, I could make more. I wouldn't dream of not having my full 32 ounces of hardcore jittery bliss.

I've been making better music since I succumbed to the bean. I don't drink it when I have to sing, but at all other times... my fingers fly across the fretboard or keyboard, as my mind pushes forward confidently whether I know what I'm doing or not.

Good music doesn't depend on perfection. It depends on confidence. Unless you suck.

Anyway, I am officially declaring Coffee the "Center of the Universe". On the first day, God created the heavens and the earth...

but first, He had His coffee.

Ever The Critic

2009-06-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

I've learned a lot in these past two years about many facets of musical performance and worship leading. I am totally stoked that I am becoming better at what I love. I just wish I wasn't such a jerk because of it.

See, lately I've found myself being a critic of everything musical. I've been taught to analyze myself and find my own weaknesses, but instead I've been finding fault in others. In fact, criticism is inherent in the music culture, and it is often quite useful. It just makes it really hard to be a fan of local music, to be a supportive and attentive listener.

Instead I am listening to a running dialogue in my head, outlining everything wrong with this band/concert/church service. I outwardly cringe when harmonies don't quite work and singers get pitchy. I comment on how this band would be good "if only..."

I've become that really annoying person, the one you hate to listen to music with or see a show with. It sucks, because I even annoy myself.

This is why I've decided to turn back the clock, to learn once again to enjoy the pure simple bliss of a live local show. I must find some way to turn off my inner critic, make myself a little tone deaf, a little more forgiving... and just enjoy good music again, even when it gets a little pitchy and the mix isn't just right.

Resolved: To stop annoying myself at concerts.

Belonging

2009-06-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

When I first got to Arizona, I realized how much I had been surrounded by friends, all throughout Texas. Even in Dallas, there were friends to hang out with and do things with, but my first month in Arizona seemed to drag on endlessly. I found myself sitting alone at a bar eating pizza and watching a football game, wishing desperately that the bunch of black athletes behind me were my friends, that I could crack a joke and make them laugh, or say something about one of them and have everyone join in on the playful diss. I wanted to be cool again, because in all honesty I felt like a big dork.

Fast forward to tonight. I promised two friends that I would be at their birthday party, and I went. I didn't know anyone else there, and this wasn't one of those groups you could easily socialize with. They were closed, and their conversations were inwardly directed. I felt like a complete outsider, to the point that I left after about an hour, having made an extended appearance while still having an excuse to leave.

I went from there to the home of a dear friend, hanging out with people who have become close and important to me. I made silly jokes and everyone laughed. I was made fun of, and I poked right back. We had a great time, and I felt like I belonged. I thank God for that, because I realize how much that means.

At the end of this year, my residency ends, and most likely I will be in a new place, looking for a new group of friends. I most likely will find myself eating alone, or driving the streets alone, or doing something else rather lonely. Friends will call and say they miss me, but they will feel so far away, and I'll just be more lonely. But there are always people who are willing to become your new family, if you'd just take the steps towards them.

Treasure the places that you belong. Invite people in, because there is always someone feeling like an outsider around you, one person who needs to be included... and they might just be really really fun :).

Forever (God > Me)

2009-06-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

I am tired today. God is never tired.
I went to sleep late. God never sleeps.
I painted some wood black. God painted the entire world and created ever color.

God also created trees.

I was born in 1983. God has existed forever.
I am six feet tall. God is infinite.
I play music. God created ears.
I listen to music. God created EARS.

I like my ears.

I hate waking up early. God NEVER sleeps.
I will die someday. God will exist forever.

I know God. I will be with him forever, because of Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ has bridged the gap between me and forever.

Forever is so large, so hard to fathom. To think that His hand is in every aspect of everything we see, hear, feel, do, touch, smell, love, hate...

He PERMEATES our existence. He is OMNIPRESENT and we are where we are, most likely in front of a computer, slightly bored even while reading the greatest truths in the universe.

It's a lot to take in.

Crazy

2009-06-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

I want to be one of those crazy spiritual people. I want to be one of those people who sees God and feels God in every moment, in every breezy afternoon or painted desert twilight. I want to be one of those people who seems completely and totally different than everyone else in the room, one of those that makes people both uncomfortable and completely captivated by their "otherness" and peace.

I want to be the one who must have something wrong with him, because he just doesn't care about what people are supposed to care about. I want to be one of those people who doesn't care about dressing cool, one of those people comfortable in their own skin. I want to be one of those people who can stick to their convictions without wavering, even when everyone else is sure they are being too (legalistic, liberal, impractical, idealistic).

I want to be one of those crazy people. I want my actions to incite reactions, to live a provocative righteousness that puts hands and feet to words and melodies. I want to keep on singing, but I want to live those words out as soon as I get off the stage. I want to be one of those people that intimidates and inspires through a relentless and world-changing love that can only come from the Father.

I want to be so in love with Jesus that he becomes my identity, that I find my worth in Him. I want to live with a crazy, passionate love. I am tired of excuses and obligations that mean so very little in the grand scheme of things. I am tired of having a weak and ineffective love. I want to love everyone with a new kind of love, from a heart constantly in awe of the Creator and of His Creation. I want to climb a mountain and write a lyric, to ride the currents of a river and be inspired to music or prose. I want to live all out, and stop getting in my own way.

I want to experience a crazy love, a love that inspires me to act in ways that looks completely and utterly crazy to someone who hasn't experienced the same sort of love... because ultimately, that love is what people are looking for, and that love is the love that will change the world. It is a crazy love, and it is the love of the Father, given to us and shown though us.

The Tension of Brokenness and Beauty

2009-05-30T01:45:00.000-07:00

I find myself recently surrounded by extremes of love and pain, of fulfillment and need. Every week, it seems, brings another engagement or marriage. Every day, it seems, brings another sad story to my facebook newsfeed, where the broken sit on the dusty digital street, desperate for love or fulfillment or something they are afraid they've lost forever. Every few hours, another conversation with the woman I love... another reminder that I, too, inhabit this dichotomous world; a world filled with the beauty of love, fractured by the lack of love, and held together by the sheer force of Love embodied.

We long for love, but most often dispense a poor conditional substitute. We long to be heard for what we really mean, to be understood and accepted and not judged by our past actions or present impersonal merit. Yet, the first chance we have to speak to each other, we give a status report on those around us, based on past actions or present merit. We base our present actions based on the past shortcomings of others, yet beg to be taken for who we are today, or who we are trying to be tomorrow.

The system is broken. We are broken. It seems we are so preoccupied with our own wounds, we have no time to notice the hurting around us... and we feel alone. We do anything to try to fix what is broken in us, using anything we can get our hands on to stop the bleeding, opening ourselves to others in hopes of rescue.

I praise God that He allows my eyes to be opened to the brokenness around me. It contrasts so completely with the beauty of true love, which shines like the pure radiance of stars in the darkest night sky. Even among the wreckage, amidst the brokenness and turmoil, that love shines like a beacon, astounding you with it's unexpected and welcome brilliance if you are fortunate enough to posess open eyes. It is these moments of luminousity that make the night bearable, until that glad dawn when the eternal Radient Love of God chases the darkness away from every shadowy corner.

Kristen, the woman who has reminded me of the brilliance of newfound love, once told me that I see the world differently, that I see the good in people. She told me I was optimistic when it came to people. I'm realizing just how much of a gift this, and not just when I see love and truth and beauty. I am more greatful for this gift each time I see new brokenness, new pain... because even as the night grows darker, the stars shine brighter and the dawn draws ever closer.

If this is optimism, then may my glass forever be...

Texas Versus Colorado

2009-05-21T12:05:00.001-07:00

I'm headed back home for the weekend, for a wedding and to visit family. I am pretty excited about the visiting family and such, but something just doesn't feel right. It feels like something is missing, like someone is missing.

It's my girlfriend. She's in Colorado, has been since Monday. I didn't expect to miss her so much. I guess I've never done this whole "in love" thing before. It's a totally new experience.

Aside from the mushy stuff, I am excited to go back and see how much time has changed everyone. It has only been a little over five months since I've seen everyone, but a lot changes in five months. Hairstyles, heights, voices, attitudes... a lot changes in five months.

I wonder how much I've changed in five months. We never know until we visit our past. The past is like an old jacket. It's always interesting to try it on, and see whether it still fits.

Last time I was on a plane, I was headed home, for a night that would start my first real relationship, as Kristen would be there to pick me up. I honestly wasn't sure she'd show, so I had someone in the "just in case" mode, the person who texted me an hour after Kristen and offered to give me a ride if I still needed one. I thanked her the other day for her procrastination. It was pretty funny.

This time, I will text my girl before I get on the plane, and when I land, and all of that mushy stuff, and I will totally be missing her. What I'm really looking forward to, though, is monday...

She's picking me up from the airport, again. I suppose then, repeating history, we will see how much we have changed.

I'm sorry if this is a little mushy, I'm not used to having a girlfriend, and therefore I'm not used to missing a girlfriend :-P.

Facades: What William Paul Young Taught Me

2009-05-17T22:03:00.000-07:00

Facade (n.): 1. the face or front of a building. 2. a showy misrepresentation intended to conceal something unpleasant.

I was privileged and honored to meet William Paul Young, the writer of an amazing and oddly controversial book called The Shack. He came to Central and spoke at both the Contemporary and Third Format services on Saturday, as well as three services on Sunday. I was singing at both services on Saturday, and I was practicing for contemporary, where I was singing the song Closer to Love by Mat Kearney while an HD video of a lady painting went on behind me. As the band was waiting for the video to start, I looked down and saw Paul walking by, looking at me. I knew it was him because I'd never seen him, but he looked like he belonged (as in, not some random older gentleman walking around the stage pre-service).

He had a pretty cool vibe to him. I kinda stumbled on my words, saying "Hey, you're that author dude!" He smiled and confirmed my suspicions, and I told him his book was amazing, and he humbly accepted the compliment. He then sat and watched what we were doing. He is a best selling author, so I'm sure he's heard much better singers than me and much better bands than our band, but he was nothing but complimentary and enthusiastic. In fact, he ended up twittering some pics he took on his iPhone as we were practicing, including this one:

After the pictures, entering the production meeting, he hugged me as I greeted him again. He greets almost everyone with a hug, and a genuine smile on his face. To hear him tell his story, he has had enough with facades, and you can tell in the way he speaks, the way he listens. It is refreshing to be in the room with him. Everyone lights up, and it's amazing. We ask him about the controversy surrounding his book, and he responds with amusement and grace.

See, this book only meant to be printed 15 times at an Office Depot, and only meant to be read by his family and friends. The only problem is, they couldn't keep it to themselves. When no publishing company would print this unknown author's book, they created their own publishing company, because they were convinced that this book was life-changing. Paul gives the whole thing, every bit of fame and notoriety, back to God, going so far as to turn his back to the crowd and turn any applause given to him back to the God he calls "Papa", the God who reaches past his father issues in an unusual way (and a very effective way, according to my girlfriend, a psychology major).

I could say that I learned how to behave when God takes your small life and does big things. I could say that I learned more about how to make those around you feel special and important. I would be happy if these were the most important things I learned.

However, the most important thing I learned came from Paul Young's explanation of how God broke down his walls, how God was able to do these amazing things through him, not after a bible school degree or a seminary degree, but only after he was fully broken. It was only at that complete moment of brokenness that he was able to begin to be completely healed. Now, I'm not sure how complete God's work is in that man, but I will tell you that I talked to a William Paul Young who was genuine, healed, and unafraid (even as protesters line the entrances to parking lots when he speaks).

That spoke to me a lot. The word he used was "facade", in that he kept up a showy misrepresentation of himself, in order to deal with the hurt he had experienced in his life. The pain that it took for God to break through that facade was heart-wrenching, and it still brought tears to the man's eyes. I heard the way he spoke, and I saw the emotion and the transparency in his communication, and it reached me somewhere deep.

For a while now, I've kept up an illusion of openness and transparency, letting certain people see certain sides of me. I have been good at this, strategically putting windows in my walls so that people don't even notice where I'm not letting them go. I think that this is important in life, that we all should have our "inner circle" of close friends, and not just emotionally overload every acquaintance we make.

The thing is, I haven't truly had that "inner circle" in a while. I don't know who to trust, because I feel like if people knew my junk, they wouldn't want me as their friend, let alone their worship leader. I feel woefully inadequate, and undeserving, and weak. I feel like I should be stronger, or to put it the way Paul did, that "I shouldn't have any more junk".

I don't talk about my girlfriend much on here, but I will say that the one thing I am learning most in this relationship is how to trust someone, how to be in a relationship. She once told me that she didn't want to be the only one to need the other in this relationship. I thought that was silly, that we should only "need" Christ and that I didn't "need" anyone, that to "need" was unhealthy in a relationship. What I've learned is that the "need" is healthy when that "need" is a choice, when I don't choose to "need" her out of my own desperation, but out of a desire for a deeper connection. In much the same way as God through Christ, we humble ourselves to that connection, to that relationship, to that "need", as an expression of our affection and love for the other person. It was only after five months, after I'd let her be the one who saw me completely bawl my eyes out over the death of a friend, and talk in circles about my uncertain future, that I understood what it meant to say "I love you." (well, in a "relationship" kind of way)

She's pretty freakin' awesome :).

So I am resolving to be more open, to be more of a communicator and less of a performer. I want to hear the sound of walls coming down (God's love is a pretty mean sledgehammer). I want to let love and tears flow without worrying about how I will look. My story is much too long to tag to the end of this post, but I have had more than sufficient brokenness in my life. I'm ready for healing, for real close friendships, and to learn with my girlfriend how little I know about relationships.

I'm also looking for an inner circle, if you're interested.

The gift of a clear mind

2009-05-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

I have taken it for granted. I didn't realize how elegantly simple my life had been, until things got complicated. Now, there were surely issues and crazy arguments and a racing mind filled with thoughts of the future, but none of that was truly pressing or life changing in it's scope. Life was all "lessons" to be learned and "experiences" to be had...

Then reality hit. Over the past two months, I've gone through things I had never gone through before, and it feels like life just started going too fast. A close friend died, other friends and coworkers got laid off, and I've learned that relationships are freakin complicated. There is so much running through my mind right now... memories, questions, and so many thoughts about the future.

Still, I know this is only the tip of the iceberg. There are others who deal with so much more. Seeing Jason's mother cry her eyes out for an entire week, I could only imagine what she was going through, and I praise God that I don't know her pain firsthand. Hearing the strain in friend's voices as they search for a job, or settle for one they wouldn't have considered two years ago, I marvel at how blessed I am to be where I am, and at how easily it could all turn around. If your issues consist of school and work and time management and which friends to invite to your next function, feel infinitely blessed. The gift of a clear mind, a life unfettered and clean, seems to only be appreciated after the fact.

I Don't Want To Sing

2009-05-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

This week has been hard. I've never lost this close a friend, never known the impact of a young life cut short the way I am learning now. I remember the way he would rave about the way I led worship, how he loved the music and was ready to go "do battle" after one of our services.

He once told me about a dream he had, that felt so real... about an angel and a demon, sitting by his bedside, arguing over his soul, ready to fight. I wonder if that was a dream, or if it was real?

I had forgotten that we live in enemy territory, that we are strangers in a strange land... and that we have ultimate victory, but the enemy is fierce, and he will take small battles even if he can't win the war.

I wish I could say this made me want to fight. I wish I could give this call out, for everyone to rise up in the strength of Christ and the power of love in this hate-filled world. I wish I could be a leader who was ready to storm the gates of hell with a water pistol, that I could say that the death of my friend had only strengthened my resolve.

I know he would encourage me to fight. I know he would tell me to keep on singing, keep on throwing lyrical bombs at the enemy. He loved a good fight.

I don't know what took him, if it was sickness or complications to surgery or just something wrong in his body that waited until now to show itself... I don't even want to speculate. All I know is that right now, I wish no one were coming through the practice room door in five minutes. I wish I could be left alone in here for a few hours, that if I had to sing, the songs would be songs of lament.

I don't know if I have the strength to sing about victory tonight. That strength is what I will be praying for. Pray for me if you have a chance.

I don't want to sing.

Mormon Steak = Disappointment

2009-04-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

STEAK

I never really had anything against mormons. I mean, of course I think they aren't right, that they need a God who will give them His love and not just some random planet. In fact, I always heard them talking about steak, so I figured if I ever had to hang out with one of them, we'd just have some delicious steak and maybe I'd lead them to a relationship with the real Jesus.

That is no longer the case. For you see, I have been decieved by the LDS church. They have claimed steak, and given us this!!!

MORMON STAKE

Notice the complete lack of meaty goodness? I learned, while here in Mesa, which has a huge mormon population, that a mormon "steak" is actually just a building. What's even worse is, they don't even drink COFFEE?!?!?! I don't know how they grow so fast... an anti-coffee, anti-meatygoodness marketing strategy is a poor marketing strategy.

I am so very sad. I certainly don't mean to be offensive to anyone at all, but I expected to soon encounter a mormon steakhouse with steaks good enough to make a weaker man change his religion; you know, after everyone was sure I was strong enough to handle it. Now I am disappointed, and I have only one thing to say.

STEAK (meaty goodness) > STAKE (no meaty goodness)

Dear Mormons,
This is all in good fun, I still would love to talk to you about Jesus and how you can change the world and live in freedom and gain unfettered salvation from this sinful world :). Please don't be offended, you can make fun of me if you want!
-Richard

IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO HELP WITH THE RESCUE!!!

2009-04-27T01:23:00.000-07:00

Go to the invisible children website for more info! Spread this to whoever you can. You can help any of the cities still holding out for rescue. The other cities still in need of Rescue are:

Harrisburg, PA
Baltimore, MD
Richmond, VA
Huntington, VA
Charleston, SC
Chicago, IL
Wichita, KS
Albuquerque, NM
Las Vegas, NV
Albuquerque, NM
Spokane, WA

-Richard

Why I miss having a band

2009-04-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

When I say band, what comes to mind? I know for most, it is a guitar, a bass, drums, maybe a keyboard or violin, or a whole marching group... essentially, a bunch of instruments, and possibly singing. From this definition, we have a new "band" virtually every week here where I work, and I have lots of fun with them each week.

But to me, that isn't a "band". It is a group, a team of people meeting for a specific purpose. It's great, and people are blessed by it, but it isn't a band.

I want to be part of a group of people who create music and encourage each other, a group where each person makes the others better, a group that is a cohesive unit rather than simply individual musicians.

I have been a part of two such groups. They were amazingly talented individuals, but together we would create... I think that's what I miss most. I write so many songs, but the songs I write are rarely just for acoustic guitar. I hear riffs and bass lines and drum beats that I can't play... and empty places in the songs longing to be filled with someone else's creation.

The connection that comes with creation... I miss that most of all.

Out-of-Office Pranks

2009-04-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

Jared and Jeremy were out of the office on Tuesday and Wednesday.
I was the only one in the 3F area.
I felt the need to express my love for these two gentlemen, with the help of a few friends.
So, without further ado...

Jared's Office

1296 Army Men. 96 Cowboys and Indians. 1 Office. Enough said.

Jeremy's Office

For this office, we decided to do a traditional "Foiling" of almost everything in the office. We would have done every book, but that would have been ridiculous... so we did every one of his pens, instead :). The curtains fell off, but some pics should be available soon...

The Overlooked Life

2009-04-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

Recently, I saw a story on ESPN and MLB.com about a young pitcher, Nick Adenhart, who died as a passenger in a hit-and-run accident. I will admit that I completely ignored what little was said about the other passengers in the car, two of whom were dead at the scene. There was so little said (and that only in the ESPN article) that I naturally assumed that not many people would be interested.

Then, on facebook, I see a friend with an R.I.P. message to Courtney Stewart, and I ask what happened. She tells me that Courtney had been her friend, and that she had been killed in a car accident with her friend... Nick Adenhart.

Inside of me, I felt like something was so wrong with this scene. Something in our society tells us that one person's death matters more than another, and so one gets tributes on national television, while another is mentioned on a third-tier news website which lists "TMZ" as a main source. To me, it just feels wrong.

I wonder what this world would be like, if we considered every life important? What if Mother Teresa wasn't a once-in-a-lifetime type of person, and no one slipped into the margins of society? I'm not saying that the young lady who died, or the other two young men involved in the crash, were in the margins of society... far from it, the girl was a college cheerleader, and from what I hear, an amazing all around person. I also certainly don't want to detract from the tragedy of Adenhart's death, because the loss of a young Major Leaguer with so much potential is a modern-day tragedy by definition.

I simply think there is something wrong with a world indifferent to the toll of AIDS in Africa (5800+ Africans die of AIDS each day) yet utterly captivated by the loss of one baseball player.

The Tough Conversation

2009-04-07T00:20:00.000-07:00

This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you...

I remember what my mom used to tell me before she'd punish me for being a stupid kid. And trust me, I was a stupid kid quite often, way more often than I got punished for it. It always struck me as odd, this idea that hitting me would hurt her more than it hurt me. I mean, I knew what I did, I was just too much of a little jerk to stop. Still, when I was done crying, there was my mom, fresh tears falling from her face as she explained to me what I had done wrong. It was almost as if she were convincing herself as well.

Now that I'm older, with a heart that probably loves more than it should, I think I know a little bit of what she was going through. While I don't have children and I don't go hitting stupid people, I do have to have conversations that I know will hurt, and I hate those conversations. We all need to have the tough conversation from time to time, the conversation confronting someone with something you know will blindside them, something you know they don't want to hear. It is a part of living in community, perhaps one of the hardest parts for all involved.

It is hard to be the one confronted, to be told you have hurt someone or done something wrong. Sometimes you want to lash out and defend yourself, if only to assure others that you did not mean harm by your words, or actions, or to show how your actions were justified and right. Other times you just want to hide, to take back the last day or month or year, wishing your ignorance or insensitivity hadn't left you blind to something so obvious.

To be the one doing the confronting, I have learned, is for me even more difficult than being confronted. It starts with that sense of dread, as you realize what you need to say, and that it will either cut to the core or be completely ineffective. Then, as you take the person aside (it's even harder if it's your friend), and begin the conversation, you read their face... and you want to turn back, to soften the blow, to tell them it will be alright...

I've had to have a few of those conversations recently, and I find myself more on the confronting end than the confronted. I love people. I love my friends. I start these conversations, and I see them getting defensive as my words land like punches. I see them bristle, and in their eyes I can tell I've hurt them. I question myself... is this really for the best? Am I wrong for saying this?

Then I keep on going, because in the end you have no choice. If you really love someone, you have to be willing to confront them with the reality they refuse to see on their own.

As I saw my friend begin to tear up as his lip quivered and his voice wavered, this last conversation I had tore me up inside. I knew that he had been blindsided, that he meant well and was only trying to... well, it doesn't matter what he was trying to do. The point is, I knew this was something he had to learn, and that this conversation needed to happen, but it really sucked. As I led him to a place where he could clean himself up a bit and blow his nose, he thanked me for talking to him, and that made it even harder. As I walked away, hearing his stifled sobs...

I wonder how God feels, when we constantly don't get what He's been trying to tell us our whole lives. I wonder how much it hurts Him when we pass up something that could have been beautiful, purposeful... life changing. I wonder if it hurts Him more than it hurts us when we lose that financial or relational security we once had, and we fumble about like children in sudden darkness, scared of the unknown and longing for something to cling to. I mean, He knows how it will work for our benefit, and how it will bring us back to Him, but does it hurt His heart the way a loving parent is crushed by the cry of the punished child?

I think that is what is beautiful about a God who is willing to live in relationship with us. He knows our pains inside and out. He is the Sovereign over all creation, Creator of the Universe... and yet, this pain that you are going through right now...

It hurts Him more than it hurts you.

Cutting Loose

2009-04-02T12:26:00.000-07:00

"I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight!" -U2

Being a young minister, I am told to try to be "above reproach". I am constantly encouraged to be patient, and kind, and of impeccable moral character. Essentially, I feel like I'm being asked to do all of the things that everyone else wishes they could do, as if those discipling me want me to be some sort of "Super Worship Pastor" who shoots love lasers out of his eyes and is impervious to all temptation.

While the idea of leaping tall church spires in a single bound is appealing, I am learning more and more that I am not ever going to be "Super Worship Pastor". I am a regular guy, who God is using in amazing ways, and I am eternally grateful for the opportunities I've been given. Most of the time, I try my hardest to be that person I feel like He would want me to be, the one who's mentors look upon him with pride and validation. I want to make my youth ministers, my family, and my old mentors proud and happy, and above all I want to make God happy. Most of the time I live my life with this as my goal... but not always.

See, there are times when I just need to go vent, times when I feel like cussing at the world and its stupidity, or at the old boss who won't send me a copy of my w-2 because she's too lazy to search her boxes for the documents from a store that closed almost a year ago, or at the people who don't seem to get the basic rules of social interaction and not hurting those around them. There are times when I feel like pulling a Noah, getting stinky drunk and forgetting my problems for a bit (Genesis 9:20-21). There are times when I feel like just escaping and wallowing in my own self pity like Elijah (1 Kings 19), or like asking God to send bears to maul stupid people (2 Kings 22-25).

I give these examples to make a point. The point is this...

God uses regular guys, even when they screw up.

Yes, we should try to follow Him, but we can't expect to never fall. This leads me to the question I am trying to answer...

What do I do when I feel like cutting loose?

I know I should be setting an example in my life at all times, and that I should strive to be above reproach and not going on my own power and strength... but should I give in to reality, or try to constantly hold on and keep everything inside? What does it look like for a minister to truly let loose without hurting his ministry?

I've been having "one of those days"
for a few weeks now,
and I think I might go crazy if
I don't go crazy...
soon.

You are not the Bride of Christ

2009-03-31T09:52:00.000-07:00

At least, not you on your own.

I was talking to a pretty amazing friend, who was coming to me for some dating advice (like squeezing water from a rock, but anyway). I told her to avoid calling Jesus her boyfriend, and she responded "Well, I'm married to Him, but I won't call Him that." I was quite amused, and I told her I could never ever, at any point in the future, date her, because to do so would be to home-wreck God. Then she threatened to punch me.

Now, this was all in good fun, but it brings up something I am not sure we all realize.

See, the church is often called "the Bride of Christ" based on Ephesians 5:32. This is beautiful, the idea that Christ loved the church enough to lay His life down for her, and expects those of us who become husbands to do the same.

However, the trouble comes when people start taking that which refers to "the church" to be relevant to their lives in an individual context. The verse says this:

This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Notice that Paul is not saying that this refers to Christ and each person. In fact, he speaks often of the "church" as a separate entity, the "body of believers" rather than the individual. This is important when we realize that God's most important call to us is to be relational, to love Him with everything AND to love others (Matthew 22:37-40). He does not want us to be isolated with Him, to be exclusively relational with Him... He calls us to a relationship with Him and with the people around us. We are not, individually, His bride. Rather, we are His very hands and feet, His ambassadors on this earth, and merely a part of that which is called His "bride".

What I will end this with, is a call to all of you, but especially the females; please do not call Jesus your boyfriend, your husband, or anything else with an exclusive romantic connotation. First, it is a misinterpretation of scripture, and second...

It's just creepy.

(I suppose I should add a third, that being the awkwardness in being a male and expected to act individually as the "bride" of Christ. I'm sorry, but Christ was a guy, and I don't wanna marry a guy. I will, however, love his bride and protect her, which I think is the right/less creepy approach to Ephesians 5)

The Sun Shines Through the Clouds

2009-03-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

Well today has been a difficult day. The Elders of Central Christian Church through much prayer, thought, and God’s leading have given Cal Jernigan a mandate to reduce staff to align with our current budget income. The staff reduction (along with many others) included myself. So as of today, March 24, I will no longer serve on staff here at Central Christian Church. Please know that I will continue to pray for Central as they reach this community and lead the church through our economic crisis.

-Jon Moton, from his facebook note

This past week has been so hard. It feels like so much longer than it actually has been. My church is going through some incredibly hard times, trying not to go in the inevitable direction of staff reduction. By now, if you are a part of Central, you've heard the statements and probably know all of the facts (or you will after this weekend), and certainly there is no more information out there to be had.

My church had to lay off 15 people because of this economy and it's affect on our church, and because of a lack in the area of tithing. I'd always heard the words "lay off" and went on about my day, not realizing how much they could affect everyone. It's different, though, when it is a church that is forced to do such a thing. It hurts everyone...

from the leadership making the difficult decisions,
to those who are now without a job,
to those "survivors" who remain to continue God's work with a hole in their hearts.

It was so hard to focus this week... losing one of our inner circle, a brother and an amazing man of God, to this sad event. I am still left wondering how I will be able to lead worship with this weighing on my heart... but God is faithful.

He has shone through this like the sun shining through the clouds. I have never had more admiration for my church than at this difficult moment. In the first of those blog posts I linked to, Danny Dodson talks about having a "survivor's guilt" that I can totally relate to. It is Mitch (second link) who has been the most instrumental in keeping everything in perspective, and the honorable and eloquent way he has handled this situation. I have never had more respect for that man. That honor, the love for those around them being stronger than the pain of a lost ministry position, has been evident in every one of those 15 people I've encountered.

The leadership has been amazing through all of this as well, from the way they have taken care of each person let go, to the way they have disclosed the situation and left nothing to speculation (although people are people, and they will find a reason to talk), to the way they have not been above showing their own pain during these events... I can continue working for this church with confidence, because I know they can be trusted in the hardest of situations.

So the sun has shone through the clouds this week. On Tuesday there were tears, but by Thursday some smiles had returned. Surely the mood is not festive, but there is work to be done, and we are privileged to do it. We will continue on, and God will continue on, both in our lives and in the lives of those now looking for work. God will still use them, because more than employees, they were ministers and servants to those around them, and that doesn't change. The Father can use any of us, regardless of our position.

All of this being said, this week sucked. And I think it's okay to acknowledge that. I don't know many in our family who would disagree. I hope I never have to go through this again, but I thank God for the graciousness He bestowed upon us through it all.

Stalling Out

2009-03-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

"I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But You keep coming around
To convince me
It's still far from over, oh"

Mute Math - Stall Out

Do you ever feel like you've stalled out?

Like you've been just coasting on your own momentum?

You ever get to that point, where you don't have any more momentum? That point where it seems like everything is on the brink of falling, like something has gone horribly wrong... have you been there?

I am there. I feel like I've stalled out, like I'm no longer flying... simply falling. I am tired and it feels like I can't do anything right. I am being sucked into pointless arguments, taking offense at perceived slights, and just overall becoming someone I don't like.

And it is now that I realize it's time to look for help again, and I rejoice at the thought that there is still help for me, still hope for me. This fall... it may not be huge to anyone else, but it is terrifying to me, and the thought that His hand is willing to catch me if I just call out...

It's enough to destroy all of my doubts. It is the perfect love that casts away fear.

"we are still far from over"

(For those of you who haven't known me long, I post what God is doing in my life at my weakest points, because I know there are others out there going through the same thing. To those, I say... you aren't alone.)

How "The Shack" is Like Coffee

2009-03-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

(note: this applies, I think, to any book written by human hands, and was originally a response to my fellow blogger Mark)

“test everything; hold fast to what is good.”-Paul, 1 Thessalonians

"A common theme amongst the advocates of the book is to read it with your heart and not your head, It’s a bit of a mantra... but here’s the catch: this book cannot be read with just one’s heart and not one’s head because the story is transparently a metaphorical wrapping for the author’s true intent: a presentation of God. Who He is. How He acts. And how we should react to Him." -Mark

I feel that "The Shack" has been so divisive because it has been read wrong.

I believe Mark is correct. I surely don’t agree with that mantra of reading with heart instead of head, because there is a filter you must use with this book; that of holding fast to what is good.

It’s like my coffee press. I let the grounds mix freely with the water for a little while, but to have properly drinkable coffee, I must then push the grounds down, leaving only the brewed coffee.

What is sad is, it feels like I’ve heard only from those who would either have us chug the ground/water mixture straight up, or those who would leave the coffee out altogether and simply drink the hot water (all figurative, I assume you get what I mean).

Surely scripture alone is our basis, the nourishing water our souls thirst for, Jesus in book form.

Books like The Shack are simply things we flavor the water with from time to time, like a coffee or a tea, to get a new taste. Our thirst is still quenched, and there is a pleasant new flavor (which I think we also get from talking about God to others).

Obviously some didn’t like that flavor of coffee, finding it either too strong or too weak, or simply unpleasant to their palette, and that’s okay. As long as we are all still drinking the water, we will live.

It is, in fact, the coffee drinkers who must be sure to keep including water, rather than just eating the grounds and assuming they will be quenched.

Now with that caveat, I offer my opinion of the book. I recommend this book to anyone with the spiritual fortitude to not take it as inerrant truth in and of itself, because more than being a theologically flawed presentation of God, it is a story of the healing power of an encounter and relationship with God.

And that, my friends, is a "good" that we can all hold fast to.