Insecurities (One Year)

It is amazing how our insecurities can make us feel so small and useless. They only need the slightest basis of truth, the smallest spark to be ignited. It feels like lately my life has been filled with sparks.

I try to look at the bright side, to say that this is merely a case of God's divine humiliation. Maybe I had a big head, or maybe I just needed to be humbled in order to understand people around me. I do believe that God has a purpose behind this position He has placed me in, directly on the bottom of the totem pole.

It's just that in everything I am going through right now, whether it be mundane or amazing, I am constantly being faced with these insecurities, whose existences were merely speculations a year ago.

It's hard to believe it's been over a year since I made that 8 hour drive up to Dallas, determined not to get stuck back in South Texas and my comfort zone. I asked for this, you know... the discomfort, the growth, the trial by fire. I asked for all of it, and I can't forget that.

Still, that is beside the point. The point is that these insecurities can shape our actions, and if we aren't careful, they can shape us. We need to get rid of them, to be secure in something. We can take our own steps and measures to deal with our junk from the past, and I commend anyone who does so, but ultimate security lies in Christ. These insecurities, just like every other messed up thing in our lives, are meant to draw us closer to Christ. They are a reminder of our reliance on, and need for, something bigger than ourselves.

See, I know all of this, but I still occasionally let these insecurities determine my actions.

"I want to do what is good, but I don’t.
I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway."
-Paul (Romans 7:19)


I am a grown man, 25 years old, doing what I love for a living.

Yet the ghosts of my past still haunt me. The insecurities, the experiences that I wish I could forget...

They are like those relatives you like the least. They seem to be the ones who visit the most, stay the longest, and eat all of the good cereal.

For me, it is this feeling of being unwanted.

I'm being vulnerable on this rather public forum, but in a vague way, so that you can relate to what I am feeling without being creeped out or concerned by annoyingly personal details. Suffice it to say that there are many reasons for me to feel unwanted, many events in my life that have taken years of healing to overcome.

However, the feeling I get the most lately, the ghost that seems to be around every corner, finds it's origins on the playground. Lately, I've felt like the "last one picked" in a playground game of football, the one that no one really wants on their team.

I was always better than the other kids picked among the last, so I tended to do well because of the awkward people assigned to me, whatever the game was. I took pleasure in showing the other team what they were missing, but in my heart I just wished they would have picked me sooner.

It's funny, because here I am 15 years later, and I am still sensitive when I feel the sting of being the odd man out. I still find that those old insecurities want to paint my world in shades of grey, and those old ghosts try to convince me that nothing has really changed, and that I am still not good enough to be...

Well, insert whatever applies to you, because the point is this... the ghosts aren't real.

I used to be scared of ghosts. I used to see something wicked in every darkness, and something sinister in the unseen. It took a long time (in fact, about 12 years) for me to realize that there was no ghost in the other room, and nothing wicked in the darkness.

Just the same, today I find myself needing to learn that I am far from the last one picked. Today I find myself realizing I am in a place few others have the opportunity to see. Today I see that God chose me, and not just because there was no one left. Today I see that I am very rarely the last one picked, that I am surrounded by friends and love beyond my best expectations.

But every once in a while, I will be the last one picked. It's alright though...

... it's just motivation.

Replenishment (Texas Versus Arizona)

I've almost forgotten what crops look like, being out here in Arizona. Except for the orange trees blooming a few months back, I haven't seen any agriculture, or very much natural plant life for that matter. I was excited to see the pines around Flagstaff last month, but even then I was disappointed to learn that there was very little grass beneath those pines. I have this desire to run through a naturally grassy field, to see cotton and corn growing in vast rows, with plant life all around and random woodland animals milling about. I miss torrential downpours that seem to last for three days straight (although I don't miss the ensuing mosquito attacks).

This past week, Central hosted a satellite campus of The Leadership Summit on the Mesa campus. One of the speakers, I think it was Bill Hybels, talked about replenishment, and the need for a replenishment plan in a church leader's life. That word, "replenish," brought to mind the way that the land responded in South Texas, after a downpour released the area from a drought. There was so much natural growth, so much life, after those rains. Everything was green, and growth turned to overgrowth as the plant life held little regard for man's preferred topography.

Here in the East Valley of Arizona, there is so little growth because there is so little rain. That which does grow is controlled, nurtured, and usually doesn't look natural at all. There is no wildness to the trees or the grass you see. Everything that you see was planned, and lately I don't like that very much.

I think of this difference, between natural and unnatural growth, and I wonder if we are more like Arizona than Texas sometimes. I wonder if we aren't getting our replenishment from God; if we are far from where His rains are, and yet determined to make it work anyway. If we are lucky, we get what we planned, and nothing more. If not, we get less, or nothing at all. Either way, our souls are barren desert masquerading as an oasis. There is no wild and untamable nature in our spirits, just predictable and safe unnatural growth.

I want to be like Texas; to have my droughts, but always be just a flash flood away from life in abundance.

New Videos From Last Weekend

This is me with the Third Format band, from August 1st and 2nd. I hope you enjoy the videos.

Break Me Down by Christian City Church of Oxford Falls (C3)

You Are My Joy by David Crowder Band

Marvelous Light by Charlie Hall, with One Way by Hillsong United at the end.