I've been trying to find a way to describe my life right now. I mean, when you look at the big picture, I have a lot going for me. I am marrying the love of my life, working at a steady job, leading worship at a cool little church, and there is a lot of opportunity in my future. There doesn't seem to be any reason for me to be unable to sleep at night. There isn't anything obviously wrong, for my mind to be racing the way it is. I'm making my way down the path I feel God has called me to, and that should be enough for me.
But the ground is squishy, like jell-o. One false step, and... stuck.
It's like I don't know what the next step holds. I am trying to be this grown-up, to not make silly mistakes and not look completely lost, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes the ground beneath my feet is enough to hold me up, but other times, I fall. I don't necessarily fall on my face, but I lose momentum and I feel like a loser.
It's like my failures aren't enough to make me fall, just enough to make me doubt. I've had a lot of these little failures lately, at my job and with the new apartment and a bunch of other areas. I'm not doing horrible, I'm just not doing as well as I had planned. I'm not a complete failure... but I'm not the expert I thought I'd be, either.
That's what these first steps into married, corporate, grown-up life feel like. It's like the first 25 years were training, but reality isn't quite as simple as it seemed before (when I was simply training for it). I am thankful for what I did learn, and thankful for what I am successful at, but still...
I thought I'd do better than this. I thought I'd be strong, sure, and solid.
Squishy was never part of the equation. It's hard to sleep when your life is squishy.