I Don't Want To Sing

This week has been hard. I've never lost this close a friend, never known the impact of a young life cut short the way I am learning now. I remember the way he would rave about the way I led worship, how he loved the music and was ready to go "do battle" after one of our services.

He once told me about a dream he had, that felt so real... about an angel and a demon, sitting by his bedside, arguing over his soul, ready to fight. I wonder if that was a dream, or if it was real?

I had forgotten that we live in enemy territory, that we are strangers in a strange land... and that we have ultimate victory, but the enemy is fierce, and he will take small battles even if he can't win the war.

I wish I could say this made me want to fight. I wish I could give this call out, for everyone to rise up in the strength of Christ and the power of love in this hate-filled world. I wish I could be a leader who was ready to storm the gates of hell with a water pistol, that I could say that the death of my friend had only strengthened my resolve.

I know he would encourage me to fight. I know he would tell me to keep on singing, keep on throwing lyrical bombs at the enemy. He loved a good fight.

I don't know what took him, if it was sickness or complications to surgery or just something wrong in his body that waited until now to show itself... I don't even want to speculate. All I know is that right now, I wish no one were coming through the practice room door in five minutes. I wish I could be left alone in here for a few hours, that if I had to sing, the songs would be songs of lament.

I don't know if I have the strength to sing about victory tonight. That strength is what I will be praying for. Pray for me if you have a chance.

I don't want to sing.


Matt @ The Church of No People said...

Richard, I know the pain you're going through. It's hard when you have to get up in front of people and everything feels raw. I've lost four guys in the last several years. Dealing with death is a hard lesson that only those that leave us behind are spared. God and time heal all things.

Romi said...

((((Praying hard for you Richard!!)))

I'll leave you with a lyric from Bebo Norman that's entitled Rita http://music.aol.com/song/rita/2694436, but I'm gonna call it Jason and I hope it will help to console and soothe your heart. Remember God is the source of our strength and He will provide you with exactly what you need to get through this really difficult time!! (((HUGS)))

Lay down softly in our sorrow
Lay down brother to die
And cover over, my sweet Father
Cover over his eyes

Your broken body, it cannot weather
The years your youth still longs to spend
So go down graceful, sleep with the angels
And wake up whole again

‘Cause it was not your time; that's a useless line
A fallen world took your life

But the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, brother, lay down

Slower passing are the hours
To tell this tale that takes its time
But the finest moment, no man can measure
Is to look your Savior in the eyes

So take him tender to Your table
Take him from this killing floor
To taste the water that is forever
Let him be thirsty no more

It was not his time; that's a useless line
A fallen world took his life

But the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, brother, lay down

And the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, Jason, lay down

katdish said...

I know you are struggling right now, and this may be inappropriate for me to say, but I wanted to let you know that I thought that was an incredible piece of writing. Honestly is a very powerful thing.

Anonymous said...

Hi Richard,

Thanks for writing.

I'll pray that the kind of change expressed in Jeremiah 31:13 will be true of you.

In Christ,


Anonymous said...

Wasn't sure how to get to you directly.

You signing yet?

Richard said...

Thank you, everyone, and yes, I am singing again. But it isn't easy.