To The Guy Who Puts Massive Wads Of Toilet Paper In The Toilet

Nobody thinks you're cool. You arent being funny, or ironic, or rebelling against "the man." The man has a private toilet, fashioned from the bodies of underperforming sweatshop workers from overseas. Instead, you just made a mess for the janitors, and ruined the afternoons of people stuck in the same job you apparently hate.

However, I would like to meet you. In fact, I will gladly bear the burden of your friendship, and the stories of your jerkness, for simply one golden opportunity. You'll be happy that day, when I come to your house and watch an inevitably horrible show with you and your family. We will laugh, and then I will excuse myself to your restroom. You will lead me to the guest bath, but that isn't my objective. Oh no, I will move quickly to your bathroom, and your children's bathroom, and drop off payloads that require hazmat suits to approach and flush. I will cover the presents with copious amounts of toilet paper, like the Poop Santa wrapping his presents, and exit without saying goodbye.

The next day at work, you'll approach me in a state of disbelief, but in your heart you will know that you have gotten what you deserve. As a look of horrified understanding crosses your face, I will smile and laugh. It will be a beautiful moment.

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